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finally saw US. what a great movie! The preview for Pet Cemetery got me excited as well. Hopefully I can catch it before it leaves the theater.

so I decided to subscribe to one of those witchy box things. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand it is neat to get a surprise every month and some of the stuff has turned out to be useful. On the other hand, it is 50 a month and sometimes the stuff doesn't appeal to me and i know i won't use it. one box had vanilla incense and some sort of lavender spell oil- two smells that i really can't stand unless they are blended with other things. it went straight into the garbage BLEGH
with that money i could probably just treat myself to things i actually know i want.

must take my science test this month. it is embarrassing that i keep putting this shit off. but i swore that i would do it before I turned 39 and so i will. the fact that i seem to work better under pressure really does not help the procrastination factor.

truth be told, i'm not driven to do anything particular these days for paid work. I feel more driven about my personal path and learning skills at home.
more than anything, i want:
a stable schedule that doesn't change every goddamn week
benefits
something that doesn't require standing all day or sitting in front of a computer all day. i think i need a mix of tasks.
something close to home, wherever that is at any given time.

thinking back, i mostly enjoyed working at the hospital and at the pharmacy for Provena hospital. it was off campus but overall, i felt like the hospitals had good insurance and benefits, plus no matter where you live, the bus usually goes to the hospital so that was a bonus.

when i was in college and working on the MHU, I thought that i was not the right track but I wasn't. something inside of me was telling me i'd lost interest and eventually i think it manifested in physical symptoms and depression.

when you go through adulthood with no education and shitty jobs, college seems to be the key to solving all your money/career problems. in reality, it is bullshit. the price you pay for a degree isn't worth the $15 an hour job you end up getting, unless you go for nursing or business admin. most bachelors degrees are honestly worthless these days. so many places expect you to have a masters now; it's insane.

so im going to take these last two tests, finally get my associates degree issued, and perhaps go to school for x ray tech or something like that. one of the best pieces of advice i got recently was that perhaps i should try building off what i already have on my resume, rather than pursing an entirely new field that would obviously put me in tons of new debt.
and let's be honest, you ain't doing shit with a BA degree in psych. even haring a masters doesn't get you that far unless you do it in social work. which is laughable considering how little you get paid vs the debt you accumulate.

i'm almost 39; do i really want the debt of a masters degree when i should be saving for my future? obviously, when i was younger and more idealistic the though of working in mental/social work was great but now that I've seen the truth yeah, not so much. plus, when you are younger you have a lot more time to save and pay off the loan.

i know i'd be a shitty nurse. i don't like touching strangers that much. so yeah, something in the medical field that doesn't require much physical contact would be great for me i think. plus, i do genuinely want to help people in some way.

maybe i will change my mind once i see how long it takes to finish the program.at least I've sorted out the fact that i want to go back in the medical field which is a good starting point, i suppose.

yesterday

Apr. 1st, 2019 09:19 am
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called off work even though I wasn't actually sick.
soaked in my Ostara salt balt blend.
ate a brownie for breakfast.
put on makeup for the first time since the holidays.
Went to the metaphysical shoppe; spent way too much money on candles, incense and a new charoite ring. it's fucking gorgeous. i am obsessed <3
made big ass cheeseburgers and home fries
binged mindhunter on netflix
ignored phone calls and texts
a deliciously perfect day :)
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remember when it was 1990-something and you stayed up all night playing Vampire: the masquerade?
incense smoke unfurled while we explored the Existentialists, Romanticism, magick and the Old Ways
in the background, Elyria on repeat; each of us dreaming of our future Morticia and Gomez romance

adorned in Egyptian Goddess oil, the darkest of lipstick applied to a pale face
to dance in the shadows, the clove scented night
beautiful and grotesque
"two worlds and in between..."
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My word of the year practice has been quite successful this year, simply for the fat that I finally committed to using a daily planner. Choosing one practice, food, treatment, etc really helps keep the focus of feeling nourished in my mind. And it's not just a task in a planner, it's something to relish and look forward to.

Sometimes, it means eating a big healthy salad. Sometimes, it gives me a few extra hour of sleep. Or taking time to give myself a goof foot soak and pedicure. Or going to Barnes and noble for a new book.
More often that not, its a reminder to make time to journal.
Time for ritual. Time to say no.
Time for that cup of tea or coffee and another 20 minutes of reading.

I've decided that perhaps it's time to start my own circle. It's something that I've been missing over the past year or so and now that I have my own space. The drama the unfurled with my previous coven was partially due to the fact that there was no direction.
Jason just wanted numbers, rather than quality people who were invested. we wanted it to be a free form oven in which all members took turns leading ritual, yet there were no organizational skills or solid commitments from the newer people. For most, it was fun and games.
The core 3 of us did great things, but he kept pushing for more and more people and it because sort of a clusterfuck from there.
On my birthday, he invited this girl over who turned out to be batshit crazy talking about blood sacrifice and exorcisms and shit. I eventually told Jason to get her the fuck out of my house and to never bring a stranger without asking ever again.
There was no qualification process, he just decided someone was "cool" and offered them an invite. Definitely not the way to choose healthy covenmates :/

Anyway, everything else is chugging along slowly. And I'm ok with that for now.
This mercurial weather situation we've had lately is on my damned last nerve.

slow

Feb. 14th, 2019 08:13 am
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had a reading done for me by someone else a few weeks ago. she confirmed that the new goddess who has appeared in my life will be a longer journey than the one with Aphrodite in 2015-2017. She require certain things. mainly stuff I haven't been particularly good at in my life so far. that's probably the point LOL

apartment is very slowly coming together. still need a new desk, a new kitchen table and chairs, and the bigger couch will be delivered at the end of the month. its just a shitty time to move, there have been delays in the delivery and retrieval of furniture and belongings.

had a breakdown when i opened one of the Rubbermaid containers that i was able to get from my sister's.
My Halloween box.
ALL of my Boney Bunch collectibles except for a skeleton treat bowl and frakenstein bride and groom candle holder were completely destroyed. Not just little pieces broken that could be glued back on, I mean smashed in half or even worse.
The hand craved wooden springtime goddess that I purchased from a craft fair when I first came back from Texas. The head was broken off but the body was nowhere to be found inside the box.
Which means... someone went through my shit and didn't tell me. They either dropped it or threw it and the lid came off or, worse, purposefully treated my shit like crap and didn't care.
Either way, I was pissed and obviously disappointed.

Material possessions can usually be replaced, even if you have to hunt on ebay and save up to buy a second one.
The hurt wasn't about the items themselves, but what they meant to me. I am finally getting my life back. The past two years I had everything on hold, couldn't decorate or express myself spiritually in the ways I have done in the past. I so was looking forward to that moment when I would sit down with a cup of coffee or tea, to open boxes of the items I'd carefully chosen and wrapped to take with me throughout various moves throughout the years.

There is still more to unpack and discover. My sister claims she has no idea where the rest of my stuff is. Umm, how did you guys lose $500 worth of antique cast iron pans??!! Plus, the rest of my artwork and books. I'm not taking her excuses, I want my shit out of her house. We went over there yesterday, found some some books and pyrex, none of which were destroyed. that was a nice surprise.

There are other goals that I'm working toward but again, progress is slow. I suppose I feel a sense of urgency since the move but I think I'm getting better at accepting the fact that there's ony so much I can do with the resources and time available to me.
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I have found an apartment!!!

It's closer to my work, and within walking distance of several restaurants, a gym, etc.Shopping will be super easy since I will be right behind a high-end grocery store called Mariano's, and a bargain grocery store, Aldi.
Very good location for me and it's got new stainless steel appliances.

As happy and relieved as I am, there's also this feeling of walking a tightrope.
The weather here sucks right now, so moving isn't ideal. I have people helping me move hopefully they don't cancel due to snow.

The back and forth with the leasing agent is giving me anxiety. Still haven't signed the lease. Still don't know the address to set up utilities. I want my keys and I want them now LOL
Hopefully, we can get this all taken care of on Wednesday.

Every day since after Christmas, my sister keeps asking me when I'm moving out. It's gotten to the point where she's being blatantly rude about it.
I get it: they have two kids now and didn't expect me to be here.
Trust me, it wasn't the plan.
However, it makes the atmosphere extremely uncomfortable for me to constantly feel like she can wait to slam the door behind me.

My sister gave me her big leather couch, then yesterday she told me she still wants to keep it so yeah...that's annoying. Whatever, I'll buy a couch and have it delivered. Less work during the move.

It's perfect timing to start this new chapter of my life at Imbolc.
My plan is to get in the apartment and do my cleaning, cleansing and home blessing before the actual moving shit in It's so important to me to have that time to set the foundations of peace and love in my home.

Unpacking my things is going to be emotional for me. There are books and art and magickal tools that I haven't seen since the end of 2016 when I moved from Chicago. Not to mention the more basic things, like my favorite coffee mugs and kitchen stuff.

I can't wait to have a clean, organized kitchen again!!

It's sad that I allowed myself to be in this situation for so long.
I suppose I can forgive myself and learn and move forward but when I think about the damage it has caused, I get furious. Although they have allowed me to live here, my sister does not treat me very well. It got so bad after one incident, as I got out of the car I seriously considered jumping on the train tracks and ending it all.
It's crazy that someone in a household can be seriously suicidal and nobody fucking notices.
Thankfully, I found Mark. Even though we didn't end up together, we gave each other the hope and affection and we both needed at that time <3

I think I'm going to need a few months before I come to visit, just to process and let go of some of this shit that I've been carrying with me for the past two years.

Moving is always stressful and never under ideal circumstances. Something always upsets the apple cart. I just need to stay centered and push through.

It's all going to work out and I can't wait to enjoy the simple comforts of having my own space again :)

2019

Jan. 7th, 2019 10:05 pm
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No resolutions or long list of goals that divide my attention.
Just concentrating on having this feeling in my life and taking actions to nourish my body, mind spirit.

meh-y xmas

Dec. 27th, 2018 05:41 pm
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for some reason i just don't get excited about holidays anymore.
it's not just this time of year, it's Halloween too.

i feel like a terrible person for saying this, but i don't get along with my family. i feel like i can't relax around them. living here makes me feel like i constantly have to wear a mask of some form or another.
my dad said something that hurt my feelings. i don't think he meant to, it was a small comment but it just made me realize that they don't know me at all.

by contrast, my boyfriend loves his family and they are very close. he basically told me it was time for me to meet them and they were going to be upset if i didn't show up for Christmas.

he's such a happy, well adjusted stable person sometimes I worry that he won't understand me.
not that any man ever really has, but still. i guess i just have not ever experienced that sort of family bond that would make me feel happy getting attached to a bf's family.
that never ever ends well.
and i try to learn from my mistakes.

back to the holidays though...
yeah things haven't been the same since i moved back to Illinois. even when i was living in Chicago and had the coven going, i ended up spending Oct 31st alone. my boyfriend at the time was pissed that i refused to go to his friend's Samhain party.

i feel like i have perhaps become feral. i don't want to get attached to people because what's the point. all my relationships end and i realize these people didn't actually care about me, because after the breakup they all disappear.

maybe i'm just a giant bitch, who knows.
having community and a support system is super important. i just don't think i'm ever going to find that in family type situations.

i'm also pissed because i spend time and money picking out gifts for my family and they gave me a cheap ass $25 Panera gift card.
my dad gave me money but now that he's getting older i feel guilty. like i should be the one spending more on him.

it's the thought the counts, but at this point i'd rather not even exchange gifts. we are all adults and can buy what we want. i guess if i was something small and thoughtful it would be different, but the pressure to buy just drives me insane. i don't mind buying for the little ones, but even then they have so many damn toys already it's ridiculous.

my boyfriend did get me two thoughtful gifts: a hard carved amethyst turtle and a rose quartz heart that i can carry in my pocket.

this time of year is overwhelming for so many reasons. thankfully, i'm getting better at saying no and having boundaries. they tried to get me to see the stepmom at a dinner my brother in law's mom was hosting. i declined. i know it makes me look bad (whatever that fucking means, anyway) but i don't care. i have the right to protect myself from people who hurt me every time i let them in.
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sometimes we change by chance. by the actions of others. by the chaos that is life.
change, growth, transformation. they are words often used interchangebly, yet each have their own nuances. be careful what you wish for.

some choose to enter the forge, but many are too scared of the uncertainty that transformation always brings.

there are those that come to the forge with a stated intention. a perfectly planned out vision of what they are going to become once the flames do their work.
their meticulous methods are certainly successful in a world of daily planners, goal setting, and checking off boxes. in that aspect, yes, they experience growth in some form, but little do they realize, the forge makes us malleable, rather than completely bending to our will. we forget we are merely a seeker or apprentice.
even a master will acknowledge that the elements are beyond human, after all.
regardless of our plans or possible disappointments, the flame of transformation will do it's job.

some are apathetic, and no matter what tools they are given or how long their apprenticeship may be, they just can't seem to grasp the lessons. they might claim to desire transformation, but what they usually end up with is simply change, that random stuff that life loves to throw at you when you least except it.
purposeful transformation would require them to journey into the dark woods, to knock on the witch's cabin,
to venture through the dark cave. they may need to ask the elders for directions.
the honest journey would require them to give up perpetual victimhood. it requires them to participate in their own life design. maybe one day they will dance with the flames, but today is not that day.
fire is passion, action.
the querent must find some spark within (even if it's anger) that get them off their feet, moving forward.

some come to the forge because they are at a breaking point. a moment when they scream (often silently) "burn it all to the fucking ground!!!". they are giving up control.
they seek signs, find answers in the smoke. they are desperate as hell, which means they will claw their way thorough, and probably end up scarred in the process. some as so desperate, they completely give up all their power to their deity/spirit guides/churches/whatever.
in this instance, they must be vigilant to ensure their own sovereignty. the desire for rescue or an easy answer can be so strong at times.
those who have had a long, hard journey are often transformed into a person they never intended to be: distrustful, scared, easily manipulated by so-called gurus, or always expecting hardship and struggle because that's what the their life so far as shown them.
no divine energy wants you to continually suffer. you are sovereign and have the right to say no, to walk away or move forward at your own will. fate may play a hand in your journey but you hold power within.

in my life, i have been all of these seekers at one point or another. i don't necessarily think one journey is any better than the other, as long as you get your ass where it needs to be to for true transformation to happen.
and once the fire magick has done it's work, it's important to remember that co-creation is the art of the forge.
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retail hell, the endless Christmas songs, shitty people yelling at you for things you have no control over. constantly being understaffed yet super busy.
yeah...I haven't been in the greatest of moods the past few weeks. when i get home from work, i'm absolutely exhausted. psychically drained. lay in darkness for at least an hour to feel normal again
I do my best to put my shield up and do energetic protection work, but it's hard to maintain it all day every day. not only do i have to deal with the people in line in front of me, i have to deal with the goddamn phones.
the phones never stop ringing.
other departments don't answer their calls.
these people ask a million questions.
sorry, i don't have time to be your personal shopper :/
they call over things that we can't deal with in the club, such as "why doesn't your website let me place an order?". when i direct them to the online customer service, they get pissed.
and of course, these phone calls distract us from waiting on our members that are in club, which means they are getting the best service either.
ugh i just want the holidays to be over.

yesterday was a lovely respite from all the chaos.
made my dr pepper/brown sugar/mustard ham and a little green bean casserole with roasted carrots and asparagus. spent the day with my boyfriend, watching the new sabrina series on netflix.
so yeah, i have a boyfriend.
feels weird to say that, i certainly wasn't expecting it after all this time.
he's only 26. it feels so weird to say that LOL but we really like each other and when we are together, overall i don't feel like the age gap is that noticeable. let's be honest, i'm still cute and look young for my age so :P

i don't know if his sarcastic atheist side will start to annoy me. that's the thing.
i took him to a few metaphysical shops and he was sorta snarky about it. he later apologized, and he said he just doesn't want to see me getting taken advantage of.
did a tarot reading with i shared w/him. it naturally confirmed my worries about the relationship. i told him that I'm willing to explain and answer his questions, but I'm not changing that part of my life for a man ever again.
he's cute and smart and affectionate and I never wonder about his feelings for me. he makes me feel secure and cared for but yeah, i can't live with someone who is going to be snarky about my beliefs. so we shall see...
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On Saturday I went to the mall, which is a pretty rare thing for me these days. there was a hot topic, so of course I had to go in and see what they had;apparently I'm 15 again LOL

Surprisingly, I found some goodies.
A 25th anniversary Nightmare Before Christmas limited edition collection: I got a really cute crop top and the coffin wristlet.
A velvet skirt with pockets!
Annnd...they have a small collection of item from The Craft movie; decided on the sweatshirt.

The banes and noble was huuuuuuge, however their metaphysics section was pretty terrible. Even my local store has more recent releases.

Decided I wanted to try a new form of divination and settled on making a black scrying mirror.
Went to the thrift store and found a cool picture frame. Got some black gloss paint and plan on making an herb incense of mugwort, eyebright, star anise, and orange to aid in the process And I'm doing small batch cleansing spray with white vingear and hyssop to cleanse to mirror. It's been a while since I've done anything completely new in my craft, so this should be fun :)

Decided to stop dying my hair and let it grow out in it's natural color. I may, at some point, do a red tint with something like manic panic or artic fox but for now I want it to be as healthy as possible during this process.

so, my sister and I both have this weird eye infection happening. not sure what it's from. our eyes are bloodsht and the skin underneath them is dry, irratated and peeling. it's odd b/c neither of us share the same makeup or use the same skin care. hopefully it goes away soon ugh
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had a really good day yesterday. decided to treat myself and not worry for once.

barnes and noble is having a 3/30 sale on a lot of books online. the ones I wanted were available in my local store, so I was able to do a pick up and not have to wait for delivery. Right now, I'm reading The Synchronicity Key by David Wilcock. It's pretty fascinating stuff.

annnnd they had the new issue of Faerie magazine which I was desperate to get my hands on because it's all inspired by my favorite book and the TV series, Outlander. was able to use my 15% off coupon so it wasn't as pricey

ate chinese food. my panda fortune cookie? ON POINT.

my favorite witchy podcaster decided to record again after a 5 year hiatus, so I was super excited to download her new episode and listen to it on the way to work.
she had a refreshingly honest conversation about depression, feeling lost on your path, how she is finding inspiration and motivation again, etc.
the pagan community likes to ignore a lot of these topics surronding mental health, but it really needs to be addressed. I'm happy to see more bloggers and podcasters being open about their personal experiences, rather than trying to present themselves as teachers who are uber witchy 24/7.

on the way, I stopped at the popcorn stand downtown to get an apple cider. and YAY! they had homemade caramel apples and of course, I couldn't resist :D

as I was walking alone the bike path I saw a squirrel, several crows, and a black cat. The leaves are just now really starting to change color. It was grey but not too cold or rainy. an idyllic autumn afternoon <3

lost witch

Oct. 22nd, 2018 08:20 am
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I can't believe I'm admitting this...

Today, this witch woke up and thought "I don't think I love Hallowe'en as much as I used to":/
What a weird thing to say, but it is true for me at the moment.
Kinda.
Maybe.

it's the buildup, or the expectation because let's face it, I spend all summer wishing for the crisp, cool days of Autumn.

Working a non 9-5, Monday-Friday job definitely affects my willingness and ability to do stuff that requires extra planning.

There's stress to fit in as much as you can- pumpkin farm, haunted houses, making a costume, doing rituals if you are celebrating Samhain, go to all the shops and check out the merchandise and fabrics, watch scary movies etc. It's October 21, and I've done absolutely nothing other than watch a few of my favorite movies.

Obviously not happy that I sort of let work take all my energy, but then again because of my health issues, I shouldn't be too hard on myself either.

Then there's the money aspect.
Everything is so expensive now, or maybe I'm just becoming more practical with my money? *shrugs*

I didn't even do my Boney Bunch thing or get my witches brew candles because I felt like it was too expensive and I didn't really need them. To be honest, in a lot of ways I've become sort of a minimalist. I feel lighter, more connected to myself somehow.

Dennis invited me to a party, but I don't think I can justify the expense.
Even making my own costume will still cost me the same amount as if I'd went to Spirit Halloween and got something there.
Plus, I'd have to get a hotel room since the train stops running at midnight but the party doesn't start until 10.

I didn't even bother to request it off in advance. I figured let the chips fall where they may.
Actually ended up getting the day off.
I could do a costume and walk around downtown.
But will I?....

Not having the coven also makes a difference; our dumb supper was always a big event. We all got dressed up and prepared a delicious menu, etc.
Honestly, the past year I've had a hard time gaining my footing as a solitary witch again.

Josh might take me to the pumpkin farm if we get a day off together. We are going to see the new Halloween movie this week. It's nice to have someone to enjoy this time with :)

Still plan on doing a small, personal ritual for Samhain since it is the witches new year.
I'm wanting to go back to being a redhead so perhaps that will be a part of it....anyway, yeah. I'm not super excited about all the Halloween merchandise and everything I used to be tempted to buy.

Feeling quite introspective at this time, and very connected to the psycho-spiritual aspects of Samhain. Lots of journaling about crone energy, what needs to be released in my life, etc. Contemplating my core desire feelings and Word of the Year.

I had set some goals and things that really aren't "doing it" for me. The motivation isn't there, and it feels like chasing a carrot on a stick.
At this point in my life, long term planning needs to be put on hold. I don't know where I'll be next January so that definitely affects things.


I just want to not feel stressed and enjoy whatever happens; even if that means making a bunch of appetizers, passing out candy, watching scary movies and then doing my ritual later at night.
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last night was interesting to say the least.

my "argument" on facebook led to a giant fucking thread on original post. this led to an actual discussion. IN PERSON, over coffee.
He is a local Chicagoan. And also one of my favorite podcasters in the pagan community. I've met him several time at Chicago Pagan Pride.

I told him that I've appreciated what he's done over the years.
I let him know that two f his art pieces hung in my altar space.
I genuinely think he was coming from a well intentioned place, although a bit misguided.

I also let him know that I actually agreed with the original article about white women needed to work on things. Said article was written by a WOC in response to the BKav situation.
My only issue was with HIS comments only.

He apologized to me, said I was right. White men have to right to tell women how to be feminists or what they need to fix. He said that this isn't the first time someone has mentioned that he comes across as self-righteous and has been accused to mansplaining in the past. He said that these criticisms are typically from random reviews or comments left on his blog from readers he has never really interacted with.
This was the first time a long time fan had actually called him on his attitude.

We are both frustrated by the things that have been happening, not only the pagan community but also just in general.
He asked if I could imagine what it would be like to be in fear because I loved someone that the so-called justice system might not approve of.
I said, no of course not.
He talked about how so many people are afraid that their right to gay marriage may be overturned.

We both have white privelege.
He's a man; I'm not.
I'm straight; he's gay.
I'm disabled; he's not.
We both have privilege in different aspects of our lives. I've learned a lot bout some of these topics over the years, mosty from him TBH.
But that doesn't mean that he can't learn from me, just because I don't have a degree in the subject like he does.

I think women are scared, and have been scared for thousand of years.
And men are just now waking up to the horror.
But ya'll have to understand that it may be hard for us to trust your motives, especially when you are critiquing us about not doing enough or being a bad feminist because X.
It comes off as aggressive and demeaning. It's not your place to judge women in a battle they've been fighting before you ever got involved. Just stop and think.

He said he would be more aware of how he presents these issues in the future.

He also told me I sometimes sounded like a TERF when I made comments in the past that defended Z.Budapest and others who are not inclusive in the name of "keeping women's tradition". Yes, I have defended her in the past; some of what he was written was extremely influencial to me when I was young.
However, I'm not 16 anymore and the world has changed.

I had no idea what TERF means, looked it up a little while ago.
UGH
Obviously, I don't want to be that person. Obviously, I have no idea what it's like to be trans. That doesn't mean I hate anyone or want them to feel less than. It's definitely something I need to learn more about.

Overall, I think we both left feeling better about things and it was nice to have an honest conversation in which we both opened up to help us improve our perspectives about the world and the issues at hand.
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Watching the pagan community implode once again, due to yet another scandal and accusations of abuse. Watching people turn against each other and start rumors, or "confirm" things that happened years ago. Yet not a damn person did a fucking thing to stop it.

Funny thing is, one of the alleged victims was a VERY prominent teacher, blogger, herbalist etc.
She now accuses two of her exes of some pretty horrendous things. And she also accuses other authors of sexual abuse at pagan festivals.

I'm not saying I don't believe her, I just can't help but wonder....
how was she attracting all of this abusive energy into her life when she was at the height of her witchcraft blog/workshop fame? Like, what is the point of all this if even these so called teachers and witches can't even use their "powers" to discern shit and get their life together. IF she had all these tools available to her (spirit guides, goddesses, spells etc how did she end up in two supposedly abusive relationships? Why was this person attracting all these bad forces into their life?"

Thinking back to Kenny Klein and the more recent accusations against Issac Bonewits. So many so-called high priestesses and psychics etc hung around these people, yet not a damn one of them could figure out what was going on??? REALLY???!!!

Sorry, not trying to be an ass but I think there are a lot of questions like this that many of us have but are too afraid to ask, for fear of looking like a victim blamer. Which I am totally not. I believe she was abused.



Today on Facebook, A white gay man tried to "school" me about feminism and how white women still have work to do
LOL Get the fuck outta here buddy.


I don't care if he's gay or not, he's still a white man that will have more privilege than I ever will. I ripped him a new one and logged off. Certainly don't want to waste energy arguing with people over shit that is never going to change.
Some of the worst offenders I've come across are men who claim to be liberal, pagan etc.
Telling women how they are not spiritually evolved because they don't want to be poly and expect their partner to be monogamous.
Using paganism and ritual as an excuse to prey on inexperienced festival goers.


Even transwomen come to the experience of living as a women with their male privilege still embedded in their psyche. This was made evident to me when they starting telling cis women that it was discriminatory to not include them in women's circles, which often include being skyclad and doing healing for menstruation, childbirth/miscarriage, sexual abuse, etc. Instead of founding their own traditions with their own unique mysteries and experiences, their demanded to invade the space that women had to create for themselves back in the 60s/70s with Dianic Wicca.

Of course, I don't think transwomen should be discriminated against; I also don't think they have a right to invade other women's safe spaces. That just screams male privilege to me. Sorry.
And no, I don't have a solution or an answer to how it should be handled. And as a cis-het woman, it's not my place to figure it out.

Nobody knows what the fuck they are doing, other than telling other people how they are doing feminism, paganism etc wrong.
I remember when 90s feminists fought against the wearing of a hijab and Islam. Now, you are a bigot if you don't support women who wear it.
Ummm ok???
Listening to pagans on the internet lecture and degrade people who want to live a stable life (own a home, have a nice job. marriage whatever) really makes me think the whole scene is a crabs in a bucket situation.
You aren't pagan enough unless you are poor, apparently. The whole thing is absurd.

The majority of these people have mental health issues, can't pay their bills, have dysfunctional abusive relationships etc.
And as soon as someone starts rising above, experiences success they are accused of selling out. Being a traitor, a capitalist, etc.
Women being kicked out of covens because they got married to a man. Being told they can't be a true feminist unless you are a lesbian. Fucking seriously, yes this has happened several times over the years in the pagan world. And every time I can't help but think....what the fuck are we doing here? What is the point of all this?

Tired of the fake Facebook activism.
Tired of the ever-changing and nonsensical "rules" of how to be a feminist.
Tired of people constantly wanting to engage in the oppression Olympics.
Tired of charlatans and abusers who are never held responsible in the pagan community. OR ANY RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY.
Tired of people giving advice when they don't have the results from magick that they claim know the secrets to.

Aradia supposedly came here to teaches us witches to fight our oppressors, yet it seems that most people are doing it to each other and to themselves.

bee

Oct. 3rd, 2018 10:08 am
shadowkitten: (Default)
yesterday was one of the better days I've had in quite some time.
Ate yummy nachos, watched Trick r Treat and another scary movie on Netflix.

perhaps when we reach a certain point in our own evolution, we attract those who are in need of our magic and healing.
this wounded bird's wings flutter in a panic. i want to hold it and whisper "be still and trust" but what good would it do if I end up hurting it eventually? no one knows what the future holds. i don't even know where I'll be 4 months from now.
shadowkitten: (Default)
"It's a full moon and I'm on my period. You don't want to disappoint me, do you?"

Enough to convince any young man into being your servant; using his lunch break (and his own money) to run to Target for dark chocolate sea salt caramels and a triple mocha frappuccino hahahaha <3
shadowkitten: (Default)
Working 8 days in a row.
Making a concerted effort not to eat garbage, because when you are scheduled to close at a 9pm and be back at 7am, Wendy's is easier than chopping up veggies for a salad.
Trying to study for a test to complete my associate's degree.
Attempting to fit in exercise and my meditations.
I make my bed everyday and pick up my room every night so I at least have control over my immediate surroundings.
And still trying to gather the motivation to take care of myself and not just to the bare minimum in terms of appearance for work. It sort of seems pointless since I have no social life but whatever...I'm trying.

I use my planner. I wake up early. However, it seems that no matter what I do, there's always an interruption. On my last day off, I thought I would study and maybe watch a scary movie and just have some peace and quiet.
NOPE.
My sister informed me that she needed me to help her with the kids. She does this often.
Can't help but wonder why the hell she had two kids in the first place...she is not good at time management, keeping house or staying on a schedule. IF it weren't for me and the in laws her kitchen would be featured on hoarders or something LOL
One time she actually had the nerve to interrupt me mid workout and expected that I would stop what I was doing and watch the ids so she could shower. I put my foot down and said no. And of course, that turned into her lecturing me about being ungrateful and mooching off of them and her reminding me that I use their toilet paper and laundry soap :/

Anyway, every time I face these interruptions and blow outs about me "not helping out enough",I start to feel like I have no control over my life.
I try not to spend any money but it's hard. The only way I can escape this house is either by working or going out around town, and that usually involves spending money. Even if it's only $5 at Starbucks to sit for 2 hours and read in peace.


I can utilize all the tools available to me to plan and stay organized, but there are moments that I feel as if I have no control over my material/physical world. I feel like I'm sacrificing a social life and giving up on other things I enjoy just to come home(using that terms very loosely) and feel trapped.

Last night was a full moon. Decided to do a little reading for some guidance.

Something to look forward to, to work toward: 9 of pentacles.

Ahh, that is always one of my favorite cards in any tarot deck <3 <3

Yes, please I would love the have that quiet time on my little porch or backyard, drinking tea or coffee and being able to decorate and dress how I want without comments or being interrogated about why I'm wearing something or when I bought it or what the fuck ever. Having that freedom to just be myself and live my life how I choose. I'd love to be able to treat myself, and not constantly feel like I am existing on the bare minimum. Sometimes, I forget what that feels like.
shadowkitten: (Default)
while shopping at barnes & noble the other day, I ran into a new witch. she was about 17-22ish and her energy just seemed as if she was nervous. I decided to introduce myself, and ask if she was new to the craft. even though it was obvious to me that she was, I didn't want to treat her the way I was treated when older witches acted like they were the most powerful psychics that ever lived.

anyway, I helped her pick out some books on herbal magic and kitchen witchery, she gave the impression that she was not into learning about deities or western occult stuff.

later that day, I was talking a leisurely walk around town, and stumbled across a house that just felt like a witch lived there. it was painted grey and lavender with a dark purple door. her front yard had a small white fence with filigree and a trellis at the entrance. garden statues of a woodland goddess and a green man and even a purple witch ball hung from the branches of a tree. her front lawn was small, but very much like walking into and enchanted garden. she even had a gargoyle guarding her home.

a few weeks ago at work, a woman stopped in to make a return. she was older, about 45-50, with long hair that was dyed black but she had kept a few pieces silver. she had an gothic styled ankh tattoo on her that connected to a feminine tribal style band around her arm. she wore a long black dress and her jewelry definitely gave off a witchy/goth vibe even though there were no obvious occult symbols.

it's so funny when I meet another witch, or even a goth person who may not be dressed entirely in their style (like if they are at work or are wearing a uniform). there's still a moment. the punk rock nod or whatever LOL
i wear a lot of dark colors to work but im on my feet all day and also want to be comfortable. however, i do wear my moonstone pendant or my delicate bat earrings from Alchemy England. sometimes i'll wear a band t shirt or my boots, but i mostly try to use small accessories to express myself at work.
occasionally, people get it.
once i wore my DM Black Celebration tshirt to work and i swear every third person i waited on gushed about how they loved DM when they were in high school/college LOL

the "witchy" goth look is popular now, but i personally like a more mysterious approach. i see younger people wearing all these mass produced designed with occult symbols strewn all over the place, but that just seems jarring to me. and like a desperate cry for attention.

anyway, I complemented her on her tattoo, and we just sort of had this moment of recognition and familiarity. then she said "maybe we'll see each other at Nocturna sometime".

I hope I have my witch house when I'm older.
I hope I still am able to enjoy the goth club.

something occurred to me.
maybe that young girl at the b&n was looking up to me saying "I hope I'm still on this path when I'm her age" etc

maybe when i do go out on my days off work, younger kids see me and think "cool. an older goth lady"
LOL whatever you get my drift.
that is kind of a cool thought, because even though I feel young at heart, im almost 40.
the fact that I haven't completely lost myself is actually a really comforting and inspiring thing that I need to remember when I occasionally torture myself about my appearance or not fitting in with other women my age.
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