shadowkitten

shadowkitten @ 2024-11-03T10:16:00

2024-11-03T17:18:09Z

Dealing with some medical issues as of late. Aside from making the appropriate dietary changes, I also have to throw out 90% of my cosmetics and skincare products. Did you know there is gluten in makeup? Weird.

Oh, and I am supposed to avoid talc, so there goes the majority of my eyeshadows :(

There's additional testing that needs to be done but will have to wait until new insurance takes effect.

For the moment, I'm just relieved that my skin is no longer red, on fire, itchy, and miserable. For the most part, anyway.

Anyway, nothing else going on other than trying to get healthier and prepare for January when classes start again. I was accepted for readmission, and they loved my statement of purpose essay. I'm hoping that means I will also be accepted into the MA program that was originally part of my degree plan.

Yeah, that's it. Life is pretty boring. On a super strict budget, so that kind of prevents have much fun things to write about. I quit two jobs this year which sounds crazy, but things are so much better now. I needed to talk the next few months to get myself together so I can focus on my mental/physical health before January.

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turning toward Lammas

2024-07-31T13:17:05Z

I want to come here more frequently. Sometimes, there isn't much to say and other times I struggle to find the words. And yet, it feels important to have this space for myself. Ideally, I'd like to be here at least once a week. That seems doable.
We shall see what happens when I start my new job.

So relieved to be going back to WFH, with better pay and benefits from day one!!!

I'm proud of myself for being strategic about my departure and not getting sucked into the drama. Hopefully, HR will take the feedback provided about my training and Lisa's lack of leadership skills and do better going forward. After I submitted my resignation, they asked me to pick up some pool attendant hours. Which is funny because Nan made a big stink about how if I quit leasing, I couldn't go back to my previous position. So, I'll do that on weekends. Kinda crazy to think I'll be working every single day, but really, it's only 15 minutes of actual work. The rest of the time, I'm reading, watching movies, etc. Same shit I'd be doing at home anyway.

As of 7:26am, for the first time in decades, I have ZERO credit card debt!!! It was over $10k, and the crazy interest rates were killing me. I sacrificed and planned meticulously to accomplish this. Finally, I'm done, I'm free, and will do everything humanly possible to never be in that position again.

Yay, meeee <3

We will be celebrating the first harvest tomorrow night at the McHenry County fair. My soul needs funnel cake and roasted corn and ALL THE THINGZ!!!! :D

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"I am that soundless, boundless, bitter sea. All tides are mine, and answer unto me"

2024-06-25T14:19:47Z

I come here time and time again, thinking I have something to say and then words get lost between my thoughts and the keyboard.

Turned 44 at the end of May. Not sure how I feel about that, tbh
Part of me still feels like a young, carefree idiot who has no idea what's she's doing but is kinda ok with that. The other part of me is just a constant ball of anxiety: never enough time, energy, money, etc to do everything that I want/need to do.

I find myself becoming extremely agitated with people who have no sense of urgency or motivation. Or people who need to be told what to do every step of the way. Light a fire under your ass and MOVE, or just let me do it myself-I don't have time for this shit!!

I've been in danger of slipping into Karen mode when dealing with people/situations that are unnecessarily difficult, time consuming, etc. And I don't want to be that person!

However-

I think I understand why it's such a common stereotype for middle-aged women. Hormone are fluctuating, your body is changing, there's more pressure to GET SHIT DONE because we are acutely aware that our time is precious. It can be difficult to accept that we might not be considered as attractive as we once were. Or at the very least, what once came naturally now takes effort to maintain.
Still not an excuse to be aggressive/rude to others but yeah, I get it.

Hopefully, as a result of my spiritual practice I am more mindful and self-aware, and that will help me *not* turn into someone I don't want to be.

At the summer solstice, I made an altar of shells, flowers, driftwood, salt water, sand, and a gifted sea green crystal sphere that has gorgeous smoky grey clouding near the top.

It was an impromptu little ritual after work and running errands. Originally, there other plans but adulting happened and yeah....

I lit the candle, closed my eyes and eventually entered that liminal space. Had a vision of myself as a crone, living in a seaside town. I took my knapsack to the beach during a thunderstorm. The full moon illuminated the crashing waves as I cast a circle with a random stick and the appropriate incantations. The salty air whipped all around me; my hair was long and streaked with silver and grey. I left offerings and prayers for Her and Him and the Hidden Ones that live in the deep, then collected a few stones and shells on the way home to my little crone cottage.

Sea witch? Hmm...maybe that's something to look forward to :)

My face was obscured the entire time. Probably a deeper message there but I was not unhappy as a crone. That was reassuring.

I know where I'm going. I'm not afraid to die. I'm just afraid that I'm not living my life to the fullest and at this point, unless I win the lottery, not sure how I can make time for everything I want to do. Promised myself on my birthday that would find opportunity every day to do something for me that improves my life in some way. Do something every day that my future self will thank me for.

So far, I've kept that promise. Granted, it's only been a month but still.... the vow was made in circle so I'm not gonna fuck around and find out 💀

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yay, May!

2024-05-01T13:25:42Z

yay may day/beltane/halfway to halloween/my birthday month!!!!

damn faeries messing about last night. strange and delightful dreams.
then i wake up.
you bastards!

took the day off work. have plans for later but currently trying to decide on what i want to gift myself this year. Typically, it has been a BPAL haul, but there's a necklace from BloodMilk that is also calling to me. I could get both, but probably not the most responsible decision :D

Found a sugar-free recipe for lavender lemonade yesterday that seemed to have lots of positive reviews. can't wait to taste it this afternoon. it got all purpley and magical looking while sitting in the fridge overnight <333

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Full moon transmission

2024-04-02T02:31:46Z

The magickal life is not always easy. Those of us who are dedicated to the arte and embrace our natural gifts often have no choice. Life only gets worse when we don't, but we bear battle scars for ounce of magick earned. I truly believe it.

Anyway....
For the past 7 days I've been sitting with some psychic information that I wasn't sure what to do with.
I can't control when (or where) it happens. I'm usually never wrong, but there's always a chance and I don't want to embarrass myself.

Tonight, my information helped someone get closure, and that's a really nice feeling.
Easy to play a psychic medium on TV; not so much IRL.
I never want to overstep and open up old wounds or give someone a message that they didn't ask for.

This witch has earned a late-night bowl of cinnamon toast crunch.
For grounding purposes :D

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mid-month magickal update

2023-09-16T12:11:33Z

Something big is coming.
I can sense that electric tension in the air that only happens in liminal space, between one transition to the next.
Good vibrations <33333

I've roped a friend into reading The Miracle Habits with me. This is my second time going through it, so having someone new to discuss ideas & feelings with has been super helpful. One of my absolute favorite things about Mitch Horowitz as an author and occultist is that he isn't afraid to call bullshit when he sees it, and he encourages people to take what works for them and leave the rest. He was also one of the few people in the occult sphere that actually acknowledged the challenges of the past few years with Covid, mental health, etc. Our plan is to do The Miracle Month as a 30-day bootcamp after Samhain to kick off the witches' new year!

Absolutely itching with anticipation for my Bohemian Gothic Tarot pre-order to arrive. I've wanted that deck for so many years, but the finances weren't there. This is the final special edition and it shall be mine mwhhahahahahaha XD

Meanwhile, my window is open, and the promise of autumn is in the air. The apple cinnamon spice candles are lit, and I finally found a recipe for pumpkin spice latte that is better, healthier and cheaper than Starbucks #happywitch

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just let me be crabby real quick :D

2023-07-25T13:26:16Z

Sometimes, I just want to put the world on pause for a minute.

Not that I'm a "summer tan" kinda girl, but it is nearly August, and we've only been to the beach once.

There are so many farmers' markets and outdoor festivals that we haven't taken advantage of this year.

Time is going by so fast. When you are a kid, summer lasts forever.

Not that I'm complaining, but I only get one day off per week. Every day, there is some sort of errand or chores that need to get done.

There are other frustrations I'm not going to list here but yeah...

Lately I've been feeling like nothing happens in this house if I don't initiate things every damn time.

I just need something to look forward to and I don't have anything right now.

Even Halloween hunting.... I don't think I care anymore.

I'm not depressed, just frustrated and need a place to vent.

On a happier note, I made a new friend <3

Going to try to enjoy my day off today after I scrub the bathroom, go grocery shopping and whatever other adulting crap needs to get done,

Need more coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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witch's wisdom and the blessing moon

2023-07-04T17:14:08Z

Yesterday was one of those days when you are so absorbed in a project, going with the flow, expressing your Awen, and don't touch a smartphone or tablet at all.
In 2023 that is truly a beautiful thing <3

The other day, I participated in a discussion on witchtok. People want rational answers, verifiable evidence for magickal operations and the world of spirit communications, etc. This certainly isn't a new conversation in the occult world, but it does get a bit redundant.

My response to this question was as follows:
"You can't be a witch or occultist without being fully comfortable embracing your unverified personal gnosis. Concerning magick and spells, the proof is in the pudding. It doesn't really matter how or why it works."

Someone accused me of being a gatekeeper, because how can babywitches (the new term for fluffy bunnies) know what to do if nobody is explaining it step by step online? How are they supposed to believe if nobody can prove consistent results?
Umm, how about practice and keep a journal??
Experiment with different methods and belief systems.
Find a legitimate coven, grove, or magical order, rather than taking advice from strangers on the internet who charge $200 to learn moon spells :/

The amount of handholding these people require is seriously funny to me. My friend had a Silver Ravenwolf book that she let me borrow on a Friday. The next week was a full moon, and we did our self-dedication ritual in her backyard. Her boyfriend Jay had an old copy of Mastering Witchcraft by Paul Huson, and we thought we were real witches then LOL at some point we decided to go out at midnight to do the Lord's Prayer backwards and laughed our collective asses off the entire time. We thought it was silly, until a day or two later when Cristina finally had to courage to face her abusive mother and tell her no, she would not be attending church that Sunday. To her surprise, they locked eyes and for the first time, her mother didn't strike back.

I've communicated with spirits and had psychic visions, but I've also accepted that it isn't something I can always control or command. My Chicago coven held a Samhain ritual in which a covenmate's dead ancestor showed up to tell the story of her murder, which was later then verified via research. I've used witchcraft to win an UI case against one of the largest companies in the world. And I may or may not have done some love spells over the years, with very, ah, interesting results.

Magick happens, and sometimes it bites you in the ass.

Have these kids not seen Pumpkinhead?!

I'm not saying people shouldn't question things, believe in science, or read academic studies. We always want to know the why, and there's nothing wrong with that. And yes, obviously different socioeconomic factors or experiences of trauma are going to affect your ability to manifest certain big things or trust in yourself. You will have to work in baby steps. You will have to decide that you want to heal and that you are worthy of more. It may take time to get there, but it all starts in the mind.

At some point, I think one must choose-do I want to live a magical life, yes or no??

If the answer is yes, accept that the majority of your path is going to be your UPG and not "historically accurate" paganism, because we will ever know what our ancestors fully believed or practiced.
If the answer is yes, it doesn't matter where you are at in life. Start there.
If the answer is yes, accept that fact that your life is not going to be "normal" and quit trying to gain acceptance from others.
If the answer is yes, embrace the new gods alongside the old. Or none at all. Pop culture magick is fun!
If the answer is yes, quit worrying about trying to prove that something is or isn't real.
If the answer is yes, quit skipping sabbat and esbat rituals.
If the answer is yes, get off social media and meditate, touch grass, practice your circle casting and energy exercises.

Where attention goes, energy flows. Make your own magick.

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rainy Saturday morning

2023-05-06T13:05:09Z

Have not dyed my hair in a really, really long time and now have a silver stripe forming on the right side.
I think I will be one of those people who looks good with grey hair. We shall see.

Got a second job at my apartment complex now, as a pool attendant part-time. Super easy and literally one minute away from my front door.

Making the decision to exit DePaul was the best thing I've done in a long time. As much as I wanted to finish my degree, so much of the course curriculum felt like a giant waste of time. It would be different if I were in wide-eyed freshman living on campus, having the whole "college experience" and learning about a world bigger than my hometown for the first time ever.

Part of me felt cheated by the online format that provided very little interaction from the professors. I felt like I was teaching myself and getting ripped off in the process. I loved being in the classroom, but unfortunately it was always incompatible with work schedules. An online program designed for working adult students should be focusing on the skills and theories needed for the particular career field the student is pursing, rather than using the same curriculum that is used for the on-campus "normal" students.

Really, I had to let go of the idea that I was only going to feel good about myself if I got a Masters. Sounds stupid but that was a plan of mine for a very, very long time. I felt that I needed to do it for younger me, like I owed her something. Truth is, too much time has passed, the world changed because of Covid, and let's face it- I'm not a 20-something anymore.
My energy is divested with real-world adult problems, and honestly, I'm much more aware of how many people with graduate degrees are actually underemployed. The debt is not always worth it. Especially as you get older and have less time to pay it off.

I have finally made peace with my decision. I can always learn and read on my own time.

Youth, intelligence, and dreams aside, I never had Rory Gilmore's budget. Would have just ending up at a cheap college anyway. Deep down, a part of me will always wish for the university experience I never got to have, and that's ok. I can live out my dark academia fantasy elsewhere-thanks, gen Z <3

Still studying for my SHRM but of course I had to get witchy with it!

Scheduled my exam for the morning of the Summer Solstice for extra positivity, confidence, and success. Plus, it will be on a Wednesday which is a great day for taking an exam-especially for us Geminis<333

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update-y thing

2023-04-10T15:11:40Z

Very busy as of late.
My best intentions of journaling more often have been unfruitful, mainly because a) I don't want to start thinking about the past and b) aside from work and studying for my SHRM, I don't have much going on that's exciting.

Realizing that I tend to ruminate more often than anything else sort of helped me but also hindered me in terms of keeping a journal, either online or paper. At this point, I'm not interested in revisiting memory lane for the millionth time and ending up with no clarity or resolutions (that's usually what happens when I'm facing a blank page). To remedy this, I tried a guided journal, but the prompt started annoying me after a few weeks.

So yeah, work. study. study. study

Counting down the hours until Renfield on Friday :D

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haunted house, chocolate overdose

2023-02-15T00:11:27Z

I am home alone. it is raining outside and I have candles and chocolate and vampire movies.
happy Lupercalia, St. valentines, whatever

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fear and faith and a $200 stand mixer

2023-02-02T21:44:03Z

Who knew mediation could be so dangerous to my checkbook lolz

I have so much to say but honestly, it doesn't matter because this juicy revelation is still percolating in my witchy little brain.

Happy Imbolc <3

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let the Samhain fires burn

2022-10-07T23:30:00Z

When a professional tarot reader that's respected in the community says they love your interpretations and that you should be doing this for a living LOL

I have a lot of work to do in preparation.

Sometimes the Tower card is an act of arson.

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"the seasons took all they had come for.."

2022-07-22T14:55:25Z

an average day, cleaning the kitchen with a playlist going. some old futurepop song that you've danced to dozens of times in shadowy clubs now stops you dead in your tracks. these lyrics carry weight now.

I don't want to say I feel old, because that's not necessarily true.
maybe you just get to a point where you see through things,
know the end before it even begins.
the highs and lows that carried you in your youth were felt with such intensity
for better or worse
and now you feel more like the sage, the crone,
an observer of things and a keeper of wisdom
not that I'm a crone just yet but...
I feel the stillness of inner peace.
And perhaps the treat of a grey future of solitude
#hagof1000cats

Josh turned 30 this week. he has been feeling sad.
for me, 30 seems so long ago.
A totally different me
I keep telling him he has so much time and is still young.
Got him enrolled in community college and he is finishing his Associate's in a month, so that's a step.
I know he has bigger dreams and hopes for his life. He is definitely an idealist and a romantic
It hurts to see someone like that have such low self-esteem because I've been there
He still has time to really create a career for himself, to marry someone and build a lifetime of memories together.
Have kids if he wants.
Quit being so afraid of life, take chances or you'll miss out
but I don't say that because I have learned from experience most people don't want advice, they want a sympathetic ear.

He'll figure it out, eventually.

I can't help but imagine what I could have done when I was young
If I would have had proper care and therapy
At this point, I'm not bitter about the abuse from men that I endured
It just hurts to think that certain things I once wished for have faded
and I haven't yet found any other dreams to replace them with

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same as it ever was...

2022-07-07T16:16:13Z

Some people never evolve.
She is my friend and perhaps I just need to accept this as who she is.

We only have one night to spend time together. It starts out great as it always does. Then we got to a bar. Immediately, she is flirting with the bartender, and he buys her a shot. Meanwhile, I'm the one paying for our drinks, and he barely even acknowledges me. A little disappointing because I actually thought I looked fantastic in new my dress and my makeup was on point, but I guess it happens to every woman eventually. I am finally invisible to men. Lately, I've been considering going grey. Haven't dyed my hair is almost a year and have a few greys popping through. I guess this was finally the confirmation that I needed to go ahead and embrace the crone to become the hag witch I was truly meant to be LOL

Anyway, she then starts talking to random dudes about Vicodin withdrawal. I'm getting annoying because I literally haven't seen her since 2017 and instead of spending time with me, she's hugging strangers. At this point, it is past 10pm and we still haven't settled on a hotel reservation. I'm getting frustrated because Stef is waking up at 5am to make the 3-hour drive to pick me up and I need to text her the hotel address. I pound down my drink and go outside to make a hotel reservation and eventually she comes outside. Accuses me of being grumpy and anti-social. Keep in mind, I have been awake since 7am and she rolled out of bed around 5pm so yeah, I was not exactly bursting with energy at that particular point in the evening.

We get to the hotel, have a good conversation but its damn near 1:30 and I desperately need sleep. Suddenly, her phone starts going off.
She gave the random stranger at the bar her phone number. On the night we are supposed to be hanging out:/
I would not be surprised if she met up with him when I was sleeping because when I woke up at 8am, she was still wide awake and looked like she had just taken a shower and scrubbed off her makeup.

Not that I care. She is a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. I just don't understand how she can feel ok about the fact that she hasn't had a steady job since 2014 and she is getting older and fatter. Spends her nights with "her boys" and seem to not worry a damn bit about her future or any sort of financial stability. I seriously hope she is using multiple forces of protection since they are in Texas and sleeping with 5 different men. She sleeps all day and wakes up at night. Take 1-2 classes a semester at community college. No understanding that her resume from working at Dell is outdated. She hasn't been a project manager since 2014. Does she not realize how much things have changed? No sense of urgency whatsoever to get her life on track.

Asked her "have you ever thought about what you would do if you and David split up?", and her response was that she would just have to be strong and figure it out. Maybe it is my own anxiety but there is no way I could have such a vague backup plan at this stage of life.
She kept mentioning us living like the Golden Girls when/if her and David split up. If it ever comes to that point, my house will me a (mostly) man-free zone. No dudes sitting on my couch, coming in and out, eating my food. Nope, nope, nope. She seems to think that if D finally gets sick of her shit, she will move in with me.

Hopefully that situation never comes to fruition, because I would not feel comfortable living with her at all and saying NO would make me responsible for sending her into a downward spiral because I'm the only somewhat stable, non-drug addicted friend she has.

Yet, she is my friend and I do care about her. We always have fun together...until we don't/
She always gets male attention and makes contacts so easily.
People are drawn to her and she is very open, sexually.
Obviously, those are things I struggle with.
So, there is a part of me that understand my anger with her is probably based in a bit of envy as well.
Trying to be less judgmental and more self-aware.
However, the older I get the more pathetic and annoying her behavior becomes.
"Grow up" seems like such a harsh thing to say to someone.
So I bite my tongue and remain grateful I no longer live close enough to experience her bullshit on a regular basis.

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florescence

2022-05-17T14:19:30Z

Funny how I used to take pride in being "strong", making do with little, not being demanding, etc.
How dare I be imperfect, yet have boundaries, dreams, expectations, or emotional needs.
The audacity!!
It really just meant I was overworked, underpaid, undervalued and abused by men. Nothing to brag about.
Wisdom was available; intuitive knowing meant to guide me, yet I did not always need the warnings
It takes strength to trust yourself and move in alignment, even if that means being alone
That's the strength I could have used as a young woman.
Strength born out of self-confidence and self-respect.
Not strength based on enduring toxicity
Or mere survival.

Something in me snapped the day I walked out my job. The past two years have been an unfolding.

I've rejected all that energy
Embracing flow and
the depths of yin
valuing my intuition and my desires over anything else
knowing what is meant for me will not involve strife
or being made to feel like shit about myself
for a paycheck, for a date, for anything
funny how it makes me people mad when they realize you are living authentically
with ease
isn't it interesting to see their reactions when they finally understand that
you are no longer the mollusk, but the pearl

I cannot control or change what happens in this world
I only have myself
and I will guard her peace and pleasure no matter what it takes
with the understanding that the wheel of fortune is always turning,
the US is a fucking shitshow,
and this day could be my last.
funny that the people who accuse you of being selfish or lazy are always the ones who are accustomed to you being their workhorse
being their black sheep, whipping post,
the emotional sponge they rinse and reuse at their convenience

My struggle days are done
and I don't care if that offends anyone.

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this month

2022-05-11T14:23:57Z

i think I'm in the process of decluttering my life. not only physical possessions, but mentally as emotionally as well.
Not that I'm a minimalist or anything.
Perhaps it has finally sunk in that I am in my 40s now? And certain things don't really resonate with me anymore.
Or my expression of a particular thing has evolved? Not sure if that makes sense but anyway, that's where my brain is currently.

Planning something big for my birthday. The past two years obviously I didn't feel like I could really celebrate my birthday in a way that felt like it was truly acknowledging this phase in my life. between covid, quarantine, depression, leaving my job, etc i think it was the perfect storm for a sort of "midlife crisis" ugh i hate saying that even if it is true.

aside from the anxiety about the supreme court fuckery, this month i am focusing on me and what i want from life going forward. even if that means becoming a hag witch and making it my personal mission to do everything in my power to avoid interacting with men outside of professional situations. fuck these dudes.

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this is just too much for me right now

2022-05-11T14:03:32Z

ever since the supreme court leak, i have not been sleeping well. it is truly disgusting to see the way right-wing conservatives talk about rape and the so-called "miracle" of becoming pregnant. they do not care about women, they only want breeders. and the fucking women who support this shit are a special kind of breed, aren't they? i've been avoiding returning calls from my dad and my sister because i damn well know they are bound to comment on current events and frankly, I'm a thread away from snapping.
and as we all know by now, I have no problem cutting people out of my life for decades if need be. I'd rather not traumatize my niece and nephew so yeah....just avoiding for now.

i don't even know how i feel. numb. rage. sad. disgusted. it is overwhelming and exhausting.

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mold in the cauldron

2022-05-11T13:49:50Z

sometimes, i really hate the way social media has affected my brain. not that I'm super active or anything, but even something as simple as coming to my own private space on the web to write something does not feel good anymore. we are always hyper aware of how our words may come across, and there is a feeling that you should make your life sound better than it is- even if no one else is watching- cause that's just what you do on the internet.

i'm supposed to be doing my morning pages by hand. i just to love to fill up notebooks and journals but now? seems like a waste of paper and more time consuming. i kind of hate that i feel this way because goddess knows we spent entirely too much time staring at computer screens as it is. having a proper journal would be a fantastic break from the computer. for whatever reason, i just can't seem to muster up the excitement to buy a new one and write there.

Two big social media witches recently got called out for having alt-right associations and saying pretty racist shit on a discord server. It is funny to me that all these 20somethings who really have very little experience in the occult are getting book deals simply because they are young, pretty, and good at beating the algorithm. i mean, no jealousy here-get your bag, honey!
the problem comes when you realize they honestly don't have a very good grasp of basic 101 techniques and knowledge.
TO KEEP FUCKING SILENT

99% of them can't do a spell without posting it on Instagram, let alone understanding that what you say anywhere on the internet will be saved by the people who hate-follow you.
obviously, in this scenario they fact that they can't seem to zip-it ended up exposing truth, and it was a good thing, but the point still remains-some things are not mean for public consumption.
and this is why so many of them spend the majority of time doing protection magick and arguing about curses.

They are paranoid about the competition b/c they exposed their spells to everyone.
Their spideysenses are telling them that something is wrong, yet they need to produce a constant stream of content to keep feeding the algorithm. it really is like a drug that affects mental health if they lose 20 followers that day. it is scary and sad. i am so thankful i did not grow up on social media.

Not saying I didn't make stupid mistakes in my 20s (because we all know that would be a damn lie) but at least I wasn't subject to the opinions of thousands of people on the internet. And I wasn't trying to make money presenting myself as a teacher.
That's the issue, really.
At least the publisher has had the sense to stop publication on the book and dissolve all ties.

I don't want to be all "get off my lawn" here, but I can't help feeling like this generation of witches are kinda cringy. for a lot of reasons aside from what i've posted here that would too long to outline but yeah...when i hear things like "tarot is cultural appropriation" or "cursing the fae" i am just hella embarrassed that these people are the public faces of modern paganism.

for as much as we might have groaned about Silver Ravenwolf or Scott Cunningham being a little fluffy and writing too many 101 books, at least they didn't try to embarrass themselves in public.

Someone posted this in a fb group yesterday and it made me smile to see our ancestors of the craft speak with wisdom and poise when dealing with Karens youtu.be/vMpoS_Vczbg

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jellybeans

2022-04-13T22:22:35Z

As expected, the first week or so after the Vernal Equinox was intense for me. This happens every year but for the longest time I didn't realize wtf was going on. Now, I just enjoy the ride and accept that I'm going to be super energized for about 12 days and lose 10 lbs, then stay up for 24 hours at a time for no apparent reason. Looking back, I can see that a lot of maybe , kinda, sorta risky decisions were made around this time in my life haha
thankfully I am more aware now and can have fun in relatively harmless ways. bless the TikTok algorithm ;)

I was gifted an amazingly beautiful mortar and pestle that is exactly the weight and large size I have been wanting for so long but couldn't afford. Can't wait to get crafty with her this weekend!

Got my VIP pass for Absolution fest. Trying not to spend money right now but I really need something to look forward to, even if it is 6 months from now. Plus that gives me time to save for the trip, rather than use one of my credit cards which is obviously a good thing. Just hope nothing crazy happens with Covid between now and then.

Today and yesterday, I focused on deep cleaning and spiritual cleansing. There was a lot of stale energy around here. Everything feels better, especially now that it is dark and stormy outside and all the windows are open. Got my woodwick patchouli candle is burning. Maybe I'll make some buttered popcorn and watch a spooky movie.

Not sure if this is just my imagination, but it really feels like my boobs are getting bigger ever since I quit wearing underwire bras. weird.

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destiny is all

2022-03-14T07:59:16Z

1am
just finished the series finale of The Last Kingdom. can't stop crying. stupid emotions *shakes fist*
one scene in particular nearly gutted me. passion rules both love and hate, and it will consume you.
when i am an old lady, what will I remember? who's name will escape my lips when i transition from this world to the next?
dear Uhtred, in so many ways a divided soul, trying to find a way home. can relate
things happen as a child that we didn't ask for, we didn't have any control over.
we suffer anyway and it sets you up for life. still, we have some choices. actions have consequences.
and the gods?
not sure our hero figures out the answer to that one. again, can relate.
not gonna say I don't believe. I've seen and experienced some shit
not gonna say i do believe. I've seen and experienced some shit.

will have to read the books someday. I've heard they are most excellent.

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vampire academy

2022-02-24T17:19:03Z

Finally submitted Creative Innovation thesis for approval. During our zoom meeting, prof joked "Do you have any ideas that are not vampire related?" Nope, I do not :D

Coming back has been a bit of a struggle. Thankfully, I am not working right now because it is taking me longer than usual to get my papers competed. Slowly, but surely, I'm finding my footing again. These classes are condensed, meaning that we fit 2 sessions into one quarter. So, when school lets out in May, I'll have earned approximately 24 credits, instead of the usual 12 per semester. Yeah, the intensity is not something I am used to, after nearly 2 years of brain fog and anxiety. Spring semester should be a breeze; I'm taking courses that I already feel well-versed in. Plus, they are finally ending the mask mandate, so I can actually leave the house and sit at a cafe or library to work.

In other news, I've decided that I need things to look forward to again. It really has been too long. Next Nocturna is in April, so I've already got that in my calendar. Over the past year, I just couldn't see the point in going to a crowded venue with a mask on. You can barely have conversations as it is because of the music, let alone wearing a mask.

Angela is doing Mardi Gras. Kinda jealous tbh but I don't think I'm ready yet for that large of a gathering. Oh well. I did a Mardi Gras layout for next week in my planner and I suppose it is perfect timing to begin working on my Anne Rice paper. Could even embrace the cliché and play Bloodletting on vinyl as I write hahaha ok I'll stop now.

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no words.

2022-02-09T23:58:06Z

I have spent the last 3 hours frantically trying to figure out how Josh can get his Humalog.
the man is type 1, not type 2. he literally needs this to live, regardless of diet or weight loss.
apparently, his insurance kick him off. no email, no letter in the mail...nothing.
the Pharmacist basically just said "yeah, you are on your own"

pharm workers. it doesn't even phase them anymore. you could stand there bleeding and they would just say "call your insurance provider. Next!" i mean, i don't blame them necessarily. our system is screwed, and they know it. it is one of the reasons i refuse to do that job again. i can't deal with old people and single moms crying because their copay went up yet again.

you would at least think they would be authorized to give one emergency vial when there is a problem with the insurance. this could kill someone. jesus fucking christ.

just venting here. i am trying to stay calm for his sake and i found an application for for emergency vials through the drug manufacturer but im not sure how long they will take to approve it.

ugh

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monster mash

2022-02-06T00:34:57Z

2 lbs of zombie brains
2 cups of tomb dust
Owlet's wing
Dried herbs from the witch's garden
1 chalice of vampire's blood
Scoop of ectoplasm
Generous heap of pungent bulbs, dried or diced
Season with salt &pepper
Mash together, form into monster
Cook at 375 for approx. 90 minutes

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wolf moon

2022-01-18T20:25:40Z

I pity them. The ones with no teeth, no passion. No magick, Truly, that life will kill you. Drip by drip, moment by moment.
It happens before you even realize it.
Yes, it is all too easy to lose your way.
The majority will never return, and it has been so long that they do not remember.
Rather, they take comfort in name brand items, toxic food and toxic relationships (because it is better than nothing).
Literally, they would rather be numb to death that actually DO SOMETHING about their fucking uninspired lives.

It is a test of the soul. I've been there, so have countless Others.
The only way Home is to claw and gnash your way through the dark woods. Let your fur become wild.
And yes, you are bound to upset some people on the way. It is just the natural order of things. So let it be.
I belong to the night, with wolf, serpent and owl. Toads leap and guide the way on the moonlit path.
Birds sing my song in trees of green under the radiant sun. This is the way it has been since the beginning.
Tear away from your phone; the winds whisper ancient wisdom from the ancestors.

I went to the store yesterday. Was reminded of how easy it is to get eaten alive by these goddamn vultures.
Ma'am I'm sorry that I adorn myself like the goddess I am, and you've decided to go in public wearing pajama pants with your blob of a man-child who seemed as if he had no more personality than a zombie.
With all sincerity, I hope one day you get the brass ovaries to crawl out of whatever shitty situation has made you feel like a walking ghost; as if ratty pjs and a messy bun are your truth.
Hating other women isn't the answer. And jealous is simply veiled admiration. I remember how that was one of the bitterest truths to swallow.
You were nasty to me, and I actually feel sorry for you. You are worth more, TRUST ME.
I'm 100% certain that your jackass of a husband is in the background, constantly making you feel like shit about yourself.
I've been there, I suffered like you. I'm sorry. I hope you dump him.

Being a she-wolf is not easy.
Transformation and rebirth fucking hurts.
Alchemy is an art, and how many of us have had our genius beaten into submission?
They do not want you to know your magick
It is the true war of our society
and as a witch, I also accept that this means it is not necessarily easy to find my kindred.
I see young witchlings on social media. Sometimes it is easy to be dismissive. Witchtok is definitely cringeworthy.
I hope they move past the in-fighting and policing, the obsessive new age consumerism and claim their magick for real.
Their numbers are much larger than my generation.
Surely, this movement could change things, and expand some of the progress that has been made.
Ecologically, politically, socially.
I hope I live to see it.

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