shadowkitten

 

Finally submitted Creative Innovation thesis for approval. During our zoom meeting, prof joked "Do you have any ideas that are not vampire related?" Nope, I do not :D

 

Coming back has been a bit of a struggle. Thankfully, I am not working right now because it is taking me longer than usual to get my papers competed. Slowly, but surely, I'm finding my footing again. These classes are condensed, meaning that we fit 2 sessions into one quarter. So, when school lets out in May, I'll have earned approximately 24 credits, instead of the usual 12 per semester. Yeah, the intensity is not something I am used to, after nearly 2 years of brain fog and anxiety. Spring semester should be a breeze; I'm taking courses that I already feel well-versed in. Plus, they are finally ending the mask mandate, so I can actually leave the house and sit at a cafe or library to work.

 

In other news, I've decided that I need things to look forward to again. It really has been too long. Next Nocturna is in April, so I've already got that in my calendar. Over the past year, I just couldn't see the point in going to a crowded venue with a mask on. You can barely have conversations as it is because of the music, let alone wearing a mask.

 

Angela is doing Mardi Gras. Kinda jealous tbh but I don't think I'm ready yet for that large of a gathering. Oh well. I did a Mardi Gras layout for next week in my planner and I suppose it is perfect timing to begin working on my Anne Rice paper. Could even embrace the cliché and play Bloodletting on vinyl as I write hahaha ok I'll stop now.

2 lbs of zombie brains
2 cups of tomb dust
Owlet's wing
Dried herbs from the witch's garden
1 chalice of vampire's blood 
Scoop of ectoplasm
Generous heap of pungent bulbs, dried or diced
Season with salt &pepper
Mash together, form into monster
Cook at 375 for approx. 90 minutes

to wrap up 2021, i think it goes without saying that I was depressed. Beyond that, probably some sort of mid-life crisis situation. had a few months of therapy, was diagnosed with C-PTSD which never occurred to me. I thought I was too normal for that, but still kinda not? It is really unfortunate that therapy is so expensive. even just a few months can help. Anyway, not much was accomplished in 2021. I left my coven and got my aPHR cert, that was pretty much it. The last quarter was pretty nice, I felt invigorated in my Craft and spent a lot of time outdoors. Did a rededication ritual and wrapped up the year feeling like what needed to be put to rest was finally buried. for the most part, anyway. 

My Word of the Year was elusive. I thought I had it, then she slipped away. Something else came, but in circle I was told "go back" and didn't understand at the time. On the 1/2 new moon, I did some pendulum work and was given the word AWAKENING. Of course!...that was my very first word in 2015. And it makes sense, considering the past two years have felt like a deep slumber. I think perhaps that was needed, but of course anything can become too indulgent for too long. 

Waking up to life, refreshed, not groggy, not in a hurry, not pressured...like a beautiful spring day. I like that idea. And of course, there is the spiritual illumination and awakening, as well as awakening to the magic of our sensual world, instead of starting at screens all the time.



No big goals this year, other than staying on track with school and my dedication vows. I want to enjoy this year and not feel like a failure because I'm constantly forgetting to track habits or make quarterly goals. I'm mainly using my planner for journaling/memory keeping and school stuff. 

Tarot reading for 2022 looked overall positive, but no major arcana. I feel that this year will be better than the last due to our daily devotions, rather than some epic event or major life transformation. what are you devoted to, how will you fill your time? what choices will you make in alignment with your truth? small steps. what will you do to feel the way you want to feel?  I pulled a card from my Brian Froud deck for clarification: 


“The Active Principle, Spiritual Will, Justice, Protection. Have confidence in your magick”

The fiery sword is the archetype of all magical and mundane swords and written upon the blade are the words ‘Draw me not without cause, nor return me without honor.’ His fiery sword illuminates truth and dispels not truth.’

We can call upon the master of the fiery sword when we have difficult things to do, when we need to take action that is going to require much of us, both in will and in compassion. 

The presence of the fiery sword’s master in a reading can indicate that there is (or there is a need for) clear and focused will and a determination to carry through on decisions, even if much effort is required. Or he can tell us that such will and strength is present in regard to the issues under consideration. We need to consider how he is expressing his will and strength and how that expression may be enhanced or improved.

It is this energy that enables us to burst the bonds of an outgrown way of being and move on to the next level. He indicates that this is a time to take action based on clear spiritual will. His presence indicates great strength and great potential for good. It also reminds us that, if we call upon him, we will receive assistance.

He of the Fiery Sword as Challenger: “This card does not have an opposite meaning as such because He of the Fiery Sword is present in full measure throughout the universe on all levels. As Challenger here speaks of an archetypal energy blocked or unaccepted by the querent or another involved in the issue. Look to the cards around it to see what may be causing this. When He of the Fiery Sword is Challenger, the question we need to ask ourselves is ‘How may I free strength and will in my life and allow the vital force to flow through?’
<3

The bacon cinnamon rolls are fresh and the coffee is hot. turkey is roasting along with cranberry and sage dressing. 
Later on, I'll whip up the green bean casserole, fried corn, and the delectable mashed potatoes that I only make once a year because yeah.... calories :D

For right now though, I feel peaceful. Magic fills the corners the everyday; it infuses the small moments with peace and gratitude. My life may not have turned out as I'd hoped but I am trying to make the best of it.

A small feast for two. Made with lots of preparation, love, and intention. Sometimes it is hard to maintain that attitude when you are depressed, tired from a long day at work, or only have $20 for weekly groceries. So, I am grateful for today. 

My apartment isn't my dream home, but it is cozy and safe. I know I am privileged to have a sanitary kitchen stocked with tools to prepare meals in. that hasn't always been the case. People severely underestimate what it feels like to live without a proper kitchen, or to live in a place infested with bugs. They don't know what it is like to stand in the grocery store and realize your plans are thwarted because the essential spices are too expensive.

As much as I get annoyed with the housework and the ridiculously small size of my kitchen, I need to remember that I used to not have these things. I need to be mindful that there was a time when all I wanted was a kitchen of my own. When all I wanted was to lounge in a fuzzy bathrobe, sipping coffee as I am right now. No stress about having to cover up with pajama pants, disrupting anyone's routine, or having to clean up someone's week old crusty mess before I could even attempt to cook for myself. 

Last night, my dad was bragging to his girlfriend about what a good cook I've become. That is the first time in my life I can remember him praising me! Maybe it has happened in the past but I honestly can't recall. Anyway, that was such a nice reminder that regardless of how I may have mixed feelings about the holidays, this time of year an opportunity to share my magic with others <3



 

 

 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my friend who I'm pretty sure has serious food issues.
She asked me how my diet was going. I said "its not". 
She seemed startled, and I know her concern is the fact that we will be representing a healthy food brand soon. But the truth is, when I actually started asking myself why was I doing this, there was no answer that made the constant counting of carbs and calories, working out even though I have hip pain, going 16 hours without eating, etc worth it. Why?

The truth is: being skinny never got me anything from men, never got me a promotion or anything substantial that was worth a damn. Yes, they might have been attracted to me but so what? Their desire usually meant harassment, or only doing things for me because they expected sex in return. I'm not married, none of them ever did anything for me that I couldn't have eventually done on my own so what purpose did it serve? Sure, if you are a model or sex worker, then I can see how it would benefit you but I was never pretty enough to be a model in the first place so that wasn't even a concern for me. 

And let's be real, when someone marries you at a small size, they never expect you to gain weight. Men that get women pregnant then turn around a bitch if she doesn't go back to the same size as before. Yeah it can happen, but that's not normal unless you have the childcare available to workout every day, which most women don't have access to.  It's a trap.
You get accused of "letting yourself go" because you weigh more at 50 than you did at 25. And yet, they are bald with Hank Hill asses and beer bellies, criticizing our bodies?! Fuck off.
Damian used to do that shit to me all the time yet I never once saw him work out. At least I tried! Hahaha...saw a news clip of him from a few years ago he blew up big time. I'm sure his mail order bride loves it LOL

Pretty privilege exists, and maybe in some instances when I was very young, I benefitted from it a little bit, but most of the time I was not considered the cutest girl in the room. "You would be hot if..." heard that so many time in my life as a young woman.

At some point, I realized that even if I "looked better", once you experience the truly nasty, shallow side of people it doesn't EVER leave you. You know that in an instant, your looks could be gone (say, car accident) and you will end up right where you were before the boob job or weight loss. Men that ignored me or rejected me actually tried to ask me out after I had my eye surgery. Like...why would you even think I would say yes to this?? 

Maybe that is one thing I am grateful for as I enter mid-life-I'm not exactly going to mourn my beauty or suddenly feel invisible to men, they way a lot of former hot girls feel when they realize they are croning.
The truth was, most of the time they ended up rejecting me in the end. Even was I was at my absolute thinnest (95 lbs) I still had boobs, and men would constantly stare at my figure,. Yay, male validation that served no purpose in my life because for one reason or another I was never good enough once they looked closer. 

So yeah...told her I didn't want to talk about food anymore. It isn't as if I'm going to stop exercising or start drinking soda everyday. I limit my dairy, gluten and sugar to a point only because my hip pain flares up. We go out to eat once a week and if I want a cheeseburger or chicken parmesan I'm not going to feel bad about it. I still try to work out daily,  even if it is only walking for an hour or lifting weights for 20 mins.
However, I refuse to eat 800 calories a day or obsessively count net carbs to go into ketosis.
Tried it for 3 days last week and finally realized this was damaging my mental health.

When I did keto in 2018 and got to 115 pounds, it was not sustainable. I might have looked great, but my hair was falling out constantly and I would make excuses not to attend certain events because of the food that would be there. During the holidays, work would have food catered and I remember scheduling my breaks before the food came so I wouldn't be tempted. Spent thanksgiving day alone and ate a healthy choice bowl because I didn't want to go over the 20 net carbs with stuffing and potatoes and everything else on the holiday menu. Not a normal way to live and I refuse to do it again.
Yes, it is practically guaranteed that you will drop weight fast if you stay under 20 net carbs but then your mind can't escape food-avoiding it, measuring it, etc. I give up. 

My friend though, I know she wants us look good when we start work but she has some seriously unrealistic expectations of how much weight we can lose by the expected date. Yes, most people gained weight over Covid. Yeah it isn't healthy and I take responsibility for getting lazy and depressed but at the same time, it was a fucking pandemic. Can we cut ourselves some slack? Just a little compassion? 

Watched her do this yo-you diet stuff for years and I feel like it is getting worse. At this point, I know that nothing I say will matter. She's even got her oldest son using the calorie counter app to "drop the weight" before middle school starts next month  :/ 

Homemade orange ginger glaze gently basted over chicken drumsticks topped with sesame seed and herb. Brocoli and rice casserole with the expensive cheese!! Two hours of work. All destroyed I don't know WTF is going on today. Every single thing tasted as if it were triple salted.
I swear if I have a ghost in my kitchen who isn't helping me clean up I'm gonna be pissed.
Oh well popcorn for dinner LOL

Finally taking a break from The Great Purge of 2021. 
Listed a few dresses from Holy Clothing on a buy sell trade group and they've already sold (yay, that was quick!) so I'll need to head out to the post office tomorrow. 
Josh said I have too many boots. RUDE! Gonna sell a few pairs of the gently used ones, but the rest are staying even if some have to get moved to storage. 
Tarot, tarot, tarot...I think I've decided on which decks to rehome. Gonna give it another week before I make any final decisions. 
Two bags of clothes to donate, and will probably be more than that once I'm done going through the storage unit. 

This morning I opened some investment accounts with Vanguard. Yay, adulting!
And I set up a cash envelope system. Aside from helping me budget, it will keep me from being distracted by online shopping.
Can I have a savings account just for Etsy haha 

Really feeling like I want to cut my hair eeek! Not ready to make a decision just yet but it would be nice to cut off all the black. My hair is about 4 different colors right now and it bothers me. There's some silver hairs here and there. Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I'm not ready to look like a crone, but on the other hand, hair dye is so toxic and damages your strands. So yeah...I'm conflicted. 

This entire process is reminding me not to be precious about my belongings. We deserve nice things, and we deserve to look good even if we are stuck at home. There is no point in reserving an item for only special occasions, or holding on to the last drops of a discontinued perfume oil. It is your favorite scent; enjoy it instead of waiting for the perfect occasion that might never come. 

Ok, sweet tea break is over. Back to work. 

So, there has been a death in the family and aside from the usual thoughts and feelings, I'm suddenly angry. 

I remember the day we got the news my grandpa had passed. I was a sophomore in high school and had been suspended for the first semester. They let me come back, but I refused to go to certain classes (for reasons because of course, no one bothered to get a counselor or therapist involved to find out why). Anyway, my stepmom comes storming into the school and sees me there, hanging out with my friends in the hallway. My friend Rich and I were sort of laying/sitting on each other and she grabs me and starts yelling, making a scene. 

We go to the vice principal office, long story short they both bully me into dropping out of high school before my 16th birthday. They avoided breaking the law by suspending me until the end of the semester and then filing the paperwork after my 16th birthday at the end of May. Anyway...I got mad and decided to finally stand up for myself. Threw my notebooks on the ground and said no, then she threatened to hit me right in front of the VP (of course, he said nothing). 

On the way home, she's calling me a slut and telling me my grandpa is dead all at the same time. Then they tell my sister and I that we don't need to go to the funeral because "you don't want to see him like that" etc. I get that they might think that was protecting us, but we never got to say goodbye. I didn't really get to grieve because at the same time, I was being punished and hit. I was being torn out of school and basically the trajectory of my future ruined by not graduating high school. I was ripped away from the place I had to escape to, my friends, etc. 

So, Pat has died. My "step-grandmother" wasn't always a nice person to me. I feel sad for my brother because she was her baby, but then it makes me angry how he had a vastly better childhood than I did. He was treated better because he was a boy, and because he was theirs. I won't be going to the funeral (not that Cindy would want me to but if if she did...nope). 

I know this sounds petty but I am tired of constantly having to put my feelings aside. Tired of people trying to make me feel guilty because I don't just forgive and forget.
I am tired of people who get away with everything because they have the privilege of access to professional psych care and meds.
Because they have an official diagnoses, they get more sympathy and more chances.
Yet, I have struggled and suffered and been abused but not had access to care.
No official diagnosis, so I am expected to suck it up, be held accountable, be an adult and not complain. 
I am not given the same consideration, no endless free passes or sympathy. 
fucking over it.