done and done

Yesterday was a breaking point for me.

I went to target with my sister and bought a dress on clearance for $12 and a bag of chips. Keep in mind I've lost 30lbs and barely have any clothes that fit.

Her fat ass says "Why are you buying chips? Don't you think you should eat something healthy? Do you really need a dress?"

I snapped.

I'm tired of having to justify my purchases. I'm a grown fucking woman-if I want to eat a damn bag of chips I have the right to do so.

I explain to her that I have a hard time finding jeans that fit and skirts and dresses just look better on me and are actually often cheaper than buying separate pants and tops.

For some reason, she's always commented on me wearing skirts. "Why are you so dressed up for school? etc" the fact is, I hate jeans and would rather not wear them if at all possible. I think I own one pair that kinda fits...

Not that it fucking matters. I have the right to wear whatever I want. Gomez things it's because she is somehow threatened by me, maybe he's right. My sister was always the pretty one but now? Hmm I guess she still is in some ways (long hair, pretty eyes, nice teeth) but she is overweight and does not take care of her skin at all. Of course, being a mom of 2 changes your body and most moms these days live in yoga pants and hoodies. ugh

I told her that I was not going to feel guilty about buying new clothes, it's not my fault society requires me to be covered.

Her reply was "you should feel guilty about lots of other things, like not offerings to pay us rent."

they have a combined income of probably 100k/yr and they are bugging me for $200 a month. She actually mentioned the cost of extra toilet paper.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
I don't understand the mentality of people like this.
My reply was "Sorry, I guess from my point of view I wouldn't take money from a poor family member when I made 5x as much as they do, so I didn't think to offer money to you"

Then she mentioned the fact that I go to starbucks twice a week. Somehow, because I can treat myself to $10 a week in coffee, that means I have "all this money to blow and should pay rent".

She said that my BIL was tired of "funding my trips and vacations". Umm,ok?

I went to Depeche Mode in Sept. and purchased those airline tickets before I even moved in with them when I was living at Gov State student housing.
I went to visit Gomez last month and used the $150 my dad gave me for Xmas. Because, you know, why not use a gift for something fun? Or was I supposed to give my Crhistmas money to them as rent?? '
'
I literally do nothing but work and stuff around the house, and walk around downtown. I don't go shopping at the mall, no movies, whatever.

Apparently, they think I should just go to work, and come home and do housework and twiddle my thumbs, waiting to go back to work again. When you are poor, you aren't allowed to have fun occasionally, or buy new clothes to replace the old, stretched out and faded crap that no longer fits.

Nope, you are poor and you have no rights but to work, work, work.
When you are poor, the whole world has to know it.
No nice haircuts or eyebrow waxing or heaven forbid buying some new cosmetics or even basic goddamn personal hygiene supplies without being questioned.
I order my favorite toothpaste and facial care online and apparently it makes my BIL mad because I'm "always getting deliveries". in reality, it's maybe once a month that I get a delivery but whatever....


We aren't entitled to anything, the world doesn't owe us anything and you have to work to support yourself.
However, I think it's quite unreasonable to expect poor people to live like fucking nuns and hermits all the time.
And the fact is, how you look, how you express yourself and how you present yourself to others affects not only your self-esteem but how other people treat you.

The sad part is, if they were normal people living on a smaller income, or ever had to struggle to pay rent, they would probably be more understanding and not as judgmental.

What really pisses me the fuck off is that sister didn't work hard for any of the shit she has right now. She has a nice job, but it's not like to had to suffer and struggle to earn enough to buy her home. The only reason she has this house or a new SUV and good credit is because of her husband. Before she met him, she was in debt, bad horrible credit and was not making her mortgage payments on the house she had with her ex. She's lazy, bitchy, and overweight and I really don't know why she seems to have everything and I have nothing. I just don't get it.

Do you believe she had the fucking nerve to tell me what to do about school and how I shouldn't transfer to another college. As if she has any fucking clue what it's like physically or mentally to be in your late 30s and trying to get a damn degree. She thins she has all the answers, yet she only took 2 community college classes when she was 19.

I'm tired of people giving me advice about college when they've been graduated nearly 20 years ago, or they were young when they went. It's completely fucking different being a 19 year old with endless energy, living on ramen and vending machine snacks, in shitty dorms with roomates who party all the time, compared to a person in their late 30s who needs peace, quiet and plenty of sleep and a good diet to balance work and school.

So yeah, last night I snapped. I'm just done.

I used to be so motivated about school and getting shit taken care of in my personal/spiritual life. When I lived with my ex, I took 5 or 6 clases mon-sat, did all the cooking, grocery shopping and housework. I would stay up until 3 am just me, with a pot of coffee and my podcasts, writing papers.
And on a day off, I could lay around all day and do nothing if I wanted.
I could order a pizza and binge on my murder shows if I wanted. I could spend the day deep cleaning, drinking frozen margaritas and listening to music and open the windows and burn my homemade blessing incense.
I could have my altar and physical rituals anytime I wanted.

Now? It's a struggle for me to be motivated about anything.
I have no emotional support and obviously, living in a Christian house, I can barely burn a scented candle without getting a text asking what I'm doing up there.
Trying to find a job is hard enough, but when you constantly feel beaten down and criticized it' just feels so impossible.

I suppose there are two kinds of people in the world-those who respond to negative stimulus and reinforcement, and those who respond to the positive.
My family very much aligns with the "hard truth" "tough love" type of shit and it has never worked on me. It doesn't motivate me, it doesn't make me feel empowered or want to prove them wrong or try harder. It makes me feel weak and like I want to run away and escape.

The truth is, I have never struggled with depression this much until I moved back to Illinois.

So, I am moving sooner rather than later. Angela's bf got a job in Dallas, and she has a month and a half left on the lease in the SA apartment. She offered me to come to SA, take some time to figure out what I'm going to do and she will pay for my ticket. She's offered me a loan of $2k to help cover moving expenses.

Hopefully, I can get registered in a different school and maybe just rent a room somewhere or something. I don't want an entire apartment where I have to worry about utilities and buying furniture and shit.

I am really terrified of what's going to happen next. I'm scared to leave my job but it's time for me to start living my life again. Looks like I'll be moved out sometime next month, wish me luck!!!