![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
heart-shaped problems
Mar. 7th, 2018 09:17 amYesterday,"Cosmic Love" popped up on my spotify playlist.
That entire album reminds me of turning 30, and all of the drastic changes I experienced at that time. It was quite a magickal time, even if a year and a half later, things turned to shit*
Of course, I can't hear some of those songs and NOT think about you. There was a part of you that I just couldn't break through. For me, it really was a perpetual state of a twilight of sorts.
I remember a time when your ex had contacted you at the last minute to go out for food because she was in town. You didn't tell me about it until days later, but I knew from the momet you came home that something was awry.
That day, you acted very different and more distant than normal. You insisted we go to the fabric store, and I wasn't in the best of moods because I knew something was bothering you that you weren't telling me.
So, we went and you touched all the fabrics and admonished me for not doing the same.
I didn't want to be there at that moment
and I didn't like that you were hiding something
and I didn't like that I felt as though I couldn't inquire about it.
and if I did bring it up, you would never openly admit you weren't over it/her/the loss of possibility. whatever it was that you felt with her that you were never able to capture with the people you dated after her.
it was quite obvious from time to time.
I knew you were being like this because of her, and it was probably something she would have done or you would have done together.
I think sometimes we don't realize the energy we are putting out into the world.
We try to hide the truth but it always comes to light one way or another.
And especially around a witch LOL
It really was like being in the shadows. I know I tried explaining this several times, but somehow it got twisted into me pressuring you for a real commitment, or you interpreting it as jealously or insecurity.
I don't want my next relationship to turn out like that. I really, really don't. It sucks to constantly feel like the person you are with is haunted by loves of their past. It sucks to feel like you can't speak openly, because it will just start drama that turns into arguments that last until 3am. Those were the worst. I'm so sorry LOL <3
It made me feel like I was lacking something, that I wasn't as pretty/smart/unique as you thought her to be.
I'm scared that I might put Gomez on the receiving end of this.
Could I honestly say that I am completely over you and al that transpired then? No. I'm not.
Maybe that's pathetic but it's true. And it's not even about wanting to get back together now. I've grown a lot and who knows if our personalities would even mesh anymore?
It's more a sense of "what if" that haunts me from time to time.
My ex Jason accused me of not being over you, and that he knew that he wasn't the "great love" of my life like you were.
Regardless, him and I were not a good match at all.
But Gomez and I maybe could be.
And I'm scared that I will eventually mess things up and ruin something really special. I believe we all deserve a partner who is fully present and invested in the growth and future of a relationship. I know he is loyal and caring, even if he might have trouble expressing it verbally at times because of his Asperger's. I never want him to feel like he's not good enough. I know that feeling all too well and it sucks.
UGGGHHHHH
*I accept responsibility for the stupid things I did and the blame doesn't lie on you 100%. I know I hurt you at times. However, this particular issue was definitely something you struggled with, whether or not you recognized it then or would admit it now.
That entire album reminds me of turning 30, and all of the drastic changes I experienced at that time. It was quite a magickal time, even if a year and a half later, things turned to shit*
Of course, I can't hear some of those songs and NOT think about you. There was a part of you that I just couldn't break through. For me, it really was a perpetual state of a twilight of sorts.
I remember a time when your ex had contacted you at the last minute to go out for food because she was in town. You didn't tell me about it until days later, but I knew from the momet you came home that something was awry.
That day, you acted very different and more distant than normal. You insisted we go to the fabric store, and I wasn't in the best of moods because I knew something was bothering you that you weren't telling me.
So, we went and you touched all the fabrics and admonished me for not doing the same.
I didn't want to be there at that moment
and I didn't like that you were hiding something
and I didn't like that I felt as though I couldn't inquire about it.
and if I did bring it up, you would never openly admit you weren't over it/her/the loss of possibility. whatever it was that you felt with her that you were never able to capture with the people you dated after her.
it was quite obvious from time to time.
I knew you were being like this because of her, and it was probably something she would have done or you would have done together.
I think sometimes we don't realize the energy we are putting out into the world.
We try to hide the truth but it always comes to light one way or another.
And especially around a witch LOL
It really was like being in the shadows. I know I tried explaining this several times, but somehow it got twisted into me pressuring you for a real commitment, or you interpreting it as jealously or insecurity.
I don't want my next relationship to turn out like that. I really, really don't. It sucks to constantly feel like the person you are with is haunted by loves of their past. It sucks to feel like you can't speak openly, because it will just start drama that turns into arguments that last until 3am. Those were the worst. I'm so sorry LOL <3
It made me feel like I was lacking something, that I wasn't as pretty/smart/unique as you thought her to be.
I'm scared that I might put Gomez on the receiving end of this.
Could I honestly say that I am completely over you and al that transpired then? No. I'm not.
Maybe that's pathetic but it's true. And it's not even about wanting to get back together now. I've grown a lot and who knows if our personalities would even mesh anymore?
It's more a sense of "what if" that haunts me from time to time.
My ex Jason accused me of not being over you, and that he knew that he wasn't the "great love" of my life like you were.
Regardless, him and I were not a good match at all.
But Gomez and I maybe could be.
And I'm scared that I will eventually mess things up and ruin something really special. I believe we all deserve a partner who is fully present and invested in the growth and future of a relationship. I know he is loyal and caring, even if he might have trouble expressing it verbally at times because of his Asperger's. I never want him to feel like he's not good enough. I know that feeling all too well and it sucks.
UGGGHHHHH
*I accept responsibility for the stupid things I did and the blame doesn't lie on you 100%. I know I hurt you at times. However, this particular issue was definitely something you struggled with, whether or not you recognized it then or would admit it now.