the girl with the onyx ring

[shadowkitten]

when i was 18, i would flip through the design toscano catalog and imagine living in my magickal house, with gargoyles as guardians and faeries in the garden 

every piece of furniture would be something unique, old but loved, or simply so perfect i would find a way to buy it new at full price. 

time off would be spend at the goth club, in esbat circle with friends, ren faire, concerts, and creative adventures. 

i would find my Gomez and we would be together forever  

i would accomplish something fulfilling to me, such as working in mental health or becoming a published author  

the idea of a typical suburban life was not something i saw in my future. no wasting my life away in front of the TV
or buying expensive stuff to impress people I could care less about while my husband whacks off in the bathroom every night because our sex life is terrible and we've let ourselves go 

too old

too broke 

too tired 

uninspired 

uneducated 

frustrated 

.......these words never once entered my consciousness

i was fully convinced it all would happen, and then some. 

 

when i was 24, i escaped an attempted rape and a seriously abusive relationship

finally, finally, i had my own little space to call home

gaining a desperately needed sense of self-confidence, i began making dedicated efforts to regenerate my craft practice, 

my writing and creative expression

and learning to be a little (deservedly) selfish in bed

putting myself first actually enjoying myself for a change 

one day at the antique shop, i gifted myself a vintage onyx ring 

it was more than i had a right to spend but it called to me 

and i figured no man had gifted me expensive jewelry and may never 

now is the time, now is the hour...

in ritual clouds of smoke, i promised that i would not betray myself ever again 

looking back, i can't say i held to that oath 

but i held onto the ring

sometimes i think you do what you need to do 

and hope that Spirit gets it; will eventually set you straight 

 

when i was 29, i had taken a leap and moved halfway across the country 

i had a plan, i was doing it 

finally going to school had a group of (so-called) friends

never mind the fact that i was slowly killing myself in that relationship 

so yeah, maybe i betrayed myself for a bit 

for the greater good of what was to come 

for if i never came to Texas with the wrong one 

i would have never met the boy from across the graveyard 

and oh how serendipitous it would have all been 

how nice to think that everything had led to this person, and i'd finally have a piece of my loveliest dreams 

ha!

 

when i was 35 and walking between worlds and truths and versions of myself

i'd come home from the Samhain ritual smelling of incense and pumpkin and crisp autumn night air 

as i prepared my shower and undressed, my onyx ring feel off 

i had not worn it in years but for whatever reason decided to dig it out of the jewelry box that night 

it hit the toilet, clink 

then the tile floor. the stone had come loose 

an omen.

i freaked. 

you thought you could do this.

you think the I would let you get away with it so easily? 

at that moment, i was called back to center, to me, to the visions I once saw in full, vivid color 
i grasped, i hustled
i tasted moments of success and love 
i fell into a dark hole deeper than I'd ever experienced

 

when I am 40 will I be able to tell Her 

"sorry hon. I tried"
being alive and safe has to be enough

will she feel accepting of her future fate, will she surrender without giving me too much of a hassle?

 "it is what is is'

or will my halfhearted smile give it all away?

will she rebel, write furiously in a secret diary her plans for a future she still clings to

will she refuse, sing defiantly 

"there's emptiness behind their eyes, there's dust in all their hearts"

will she give me some sort of resigned peace?

let me take the ambitions and secret desires

wrap them up in strands of hair, herbs of green 

bound by a black onyx ring 

whisper apologies and finally bury Her deep in the Earth
peace now, girl.

it was just a song.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[shadowkitten]

I'm not sure if that was supposed to make me feel better or worse <3

The thing is, why carry these feelings around when it does nothing but cause distress?
I dont want to be old and jaded and become a Karen lol

maybe the best way to avoid that fate is to really bury the young dreamer, and find some sort of peace with whatever I have now.

I suppose I want something good to come of this virus situation. It seems that many people are being called to re-evaluate themselves and where their life is headed. When this is over I want to move forward with maybe a little bit more authenticity and a new vision for my life? Not quite sure how to phrase it but yeah, something like that.

[poisonedgrace]

Figure 1: The cure - 39

Figure 2: "Will the flood behind me put out the fire inside me?"

I think there has to be some way to tally it all together.
To learn and grow and improve from where we have been, and also evolve into new forms that carry us towards the future.

I have not been feeling beautiful lately.
But I still believe in beauty, and I still believe that things come in cycles.

So, I still have hope.
I still have fight.