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So, there has been a death in the family and aside from the usual thoughts and feelings, I'm suddenly angry.
I remember the day we got the news my grandpa had passed. I was a sophomore in high school and had been suspended for the first semester. They let me come back, but I refused to go to certain classes (for reasons because of course, no one bothered to get a counselor or therapist involved to find out why). Anyway, my stepmom comes storming into the school and sees me there, hanging out with my friends in the hallway. My friend Rich and I were sort of laying/sitting on each other and she grabs me and starts yelling, making a scene.
We go to the vice principal office, long story short they both bully me into dropping out of high school before my 16th birthday. They avoided breaking the law by suspending me until the end of the semester and then filing the paperwork after my 16th birthday at the end of May. Anyway...I got mad and decided to finally stand up for myself. Threw my notebooks on the ground and said no, then she threatened to hit me right in front of the VP (of course, he said nothing).
On the way home, she's calling me a slut and telling me my grandpa is dead all at the same time. Then they tell my sister and I that we don't need to go to the funeral because "you don't want to see him like that" etc. I get that they might think that was protecting us, but we never got to say goodbye. I didn't really get to grieve because at the same time, I was being punished and hit. I was being torn out of school and basically the trajectory of my future ruined by not graduating high school. I was ripped away from the place I had to escape to, my friends, etc.
So, Pat has died. My "step-grandmother" wasn't always a nice person to me. I feel sad for my brother because she was her baby, but then it makes me angry how he had a vastly better childhood than I did. He was treated better because he was a boy, and because he was theirs. I won't be going to the funeral (not that Cindy would want me to but if if she did...nope).
I know this sounds petty but I am tired of constantly having to put my feelings aside. Tired of people trying to make me feel guilty because I don't just forgive and forget.
I am tired of people who get away with everything because they have the privilege of access to professional psych care and meds.
Because they have an official diagnoses, they get more sympathy and more chances.
Yet, I have struggled and suffered and been abused but not had access to care.
No official diagnosis, so I am expected to suck it up, be held accountable, be an adult and not complain.
I am not given the same consideration, no endless free passes or sympathy.
fucking over it.
I remember the day we got the news my grandpa had passed. I was a sophomore in high school and had been suspended for the first semester. They let me come back, but I refused to go to certain classes (for reasons because of course, no one bothered to get a counselor or therapist involved to find out why). Anyway, my stepmom comes storming into the school and sees me there, hanging out with my friends in the hallway. My friend Rich and I were sort of laying/sitting on each other and she grabs me and starts yelling, making a scene.
We go to the vice principal office, long story short they both bully me into dropping out of high school before my 16th birthday. They avoided breaking the law by suspending me until the end of the semester and then filing the paperwork after my 16th birthday at the end of May. Anyway...I got mad and decided to finally stand up for myself. Threw my notebooks on the ground and said no, then she threatened to hit me right in front of the VP (of course, he said nothing).
On the way home, she's calling me a slut and telling me my grandpa is dead all at the same time. Then they tell my sister and I that we don't need to go to the funeral because "you don't want to see him like that" etc. I get that they might think that was protecting us, but we never got to say goodbye. I didn't really get to grieve because at the same time, I was being punished and hit. I was being torn out of school and basically the trajectory of my future ruined by not graduating high school. I was ripped away from the place I had to escape to, my friends, etc.
So, Pat has died. My "step-grandmother" wasn't always a nice person to me. I feel sad for my brother because she was her baby, but then it makes me angry how he had a vastly better childhood than I did. He was treated better because he was a boy, and because he was theirs. I won't be going to the funeral (not that Cindy would want me to but if if she did...nope).
I know this sounds petty but I am tired of constantly having to put my feelings aside. Tired of people trying to make me feel guilty because I don't just forgive and forget.
I am tired of people who get away with everything because they have the privilege of access to professional psych care and meds.
Because they have an official diagnoses, they get more sympathy and more chances.
Yet, I have struggled and suffered and been abused but not had access to care.
No official diagnosis, so I am expected to suck it up, be held accountable, be an adult and not complain.
I am not given the same consideration, no endless free passes or sympathy.
fucking over it.