![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
super self-realization
Jun. 20th, 2018 08:31 amThere's something that I've wanted for a very long time.
For the majority of people, this is a very basic part of the experience of living.
Finding someone and sharing your life with them. Creating a home, or even a family.
Over the years, when it didn't work out, I found myself trying to understand WHY.
I'm not a super model, yet there are plenty of average or below average looking people who get married. A lot of people even end up just giving up on trying to be attractive ad have some sort of style when the get married. Yet, they still stay together.
I'm not always happy, but there are plenty of bitchy, nagging, or just plain up bi polar as fuck people who manage to find someone. And their partner puts up with the rollercoaster for years; oftentimes causing themselves to become depressed about life.
I'm not wealthy and I have not experienced career success yet in life, yet plenty of people who are lower income manage to find someone who loves them.
I could go on and on, but hopefully you get my point.
As someone who is always trying to grow and learn and work on my shit, at times it feels like I have to be perfect in order to find love. Not that I workout or do anything for the sole purpose of attracting someone, but it certainly is a factor in motivation for sure.
Anyhow, time after time I was rejected. In most cases, the man moved on fairly quickly-either married or had a very long term relationship with the woman right after me.
Naturally, it was very difficult for me. A devastating blow to my self esteem.
I know now that nothing other do is about me. I still struggle about taking things personally, but am much better than I used to be.
As someone who believe in magic, but alo ha a realistic understanding of how humans operate, I know that love spells don't work. You can do things to help attract attention, you can do things to strength your relationship, but you can't make someone love you.
After the latest heartbreak I finally asked myself "do you really think the universe would put up THIS MUCH RESISTANCE over finding love and getting married if you were meant to be on that path?"
OUCH.
At first, it hurt because I felt left out. As if I didn't deserve what other people seemed to find naturally.
Then, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my chest. I could breathe deeply again. I felt lighter.
Why would it take me so long to figure this out?
I didn't need to "love myself first", "get my shit together", "be happy alone" before I could find someone. Those are all just cliche platitudes coupled people repeat to their single friends when they are sick of listening to the person cry over a breakup.
It's like I was expected to jump through a series of fucking hoops like a circus dog before I would finally be acceptable enough to love.
And stupidly, I kept trying to complete the course to get the carrot on a stick.
What would my life be like if I just accepted that the thing I wanted is not what is meant for me? Maybe i would find what is. That would certainly be interesting, wouldn't it?
For the majority of people, this is a very basic part of the experience of living.
Finding someone and sharing your life with them. Creating a home, or even a family.
Over the years, when it didn't work out, I found myself trying to understand WHY.
I'm not a super model, yet there are plenty of average or below average looking people who get married. A lot of people even end up just giving up on trying to be attractive ad have some sort of style when the get married. Yet, they still stay together.
I'm not always happy, but there are plenty of bitchy, nagging, or just plain up bi polar as fuck people who manage to find someone. And their partner puts up with the rollercoaster for years; oftentimes causing themselves to become depressed about life.
I'm not wealthy and I have not experienced career success yet in life, yet plenty of people who are lower income manage to find someone who loves them.
I could go on and on, but hopefully you get my point.
As someone who is always trying to grow and learn and work on my shit, at times it feels like I have to be perfect in order to find love. Not that I workout or do anything for the sole purpose of attracting someone, but it certainly is a factor in motivation for sure.
Anyhow, time after time I was rejected. In most cases, the man moved on fairly quickly-either married or had a very long term relationship with the woman right after me.
Naturally, it was very difficult for me. A devastating blow to my self esteem.
I know now that nothing other do is about me. I still struggle about taking things personally, but am much better than I used to be.
As someone who believe in magic, but alo ha a realistic understanding of how humans operate, I know that love spells don't work. You can do things to help attract attention, you can do things to strength your relationship, but you can't make someone love you.
After the latest heartbreak I finally asked myself "do you really think the universe would put up THIS MUCH RESISTANCE over finding love and getting married if you were meant to be on that path?"
OUCH.
At first, it hurt because I felt left out. As if I didn't deserve what other people seemed to find naturally.
Then, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my chest. I could breathe deeply again. I felt lighter.
Why would it take me so long to figure this out?
I didn't need to "love myself first", "get my shit together", "be happy alone" before I could find someone. Those are all just cliche platitudes coupled people repeat to their single friends when they are sick of listening to the person cry over a breakup.
It's like I was expected to jump through a series of fucking hoops like a circus dog before I would finally be acceptable enough to love.
And stupidly, I kept trying to complete the course to get the carrot on a stick.
What would my life be like if I just accepted that the thing I wanted is not what is meant for me? Maybe i would find what is. That would certainly be interesting, wouldn't it?