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Maybe this is me being the Fool, but I still believe this year is going to be a good one. Never mind that I'm still not 100% recovered from my bronchitis, and I only have $3.64 in my checking account :(
Last year, I was so determined that 2017 was going to be *my year*.
Yes, there were some amazing things (going to see Depeche Mode 4th row, getting the job at the hospital, etc) but the depression that I dealt with was probably the worst since 2013 and the phone call incident.
I think some things change you permanently; you can't ever go back to being the person you were before. Gomez was saying this the other night and I totally agree. However, it's not necessarily a bad thing, and I try not to think of it as a loss of innocence, faith, or whatever. Of course, as in most situations, perspective is everything.
What did I learn from dealing with two bouts of severe depression in my mid 30s?
I guess that's more important to carry with me, rather than feeling bitter about the past or events that set off the depression itself.
The days are long, but the years are short.
Do more of what makes you happy, gives you peace and inspiration.
I realize this is complicated because when you are depressed you lose interest in those things. Sometimes, just forcing yourself to "go through the motions" can help you get there.
I guess this is really more of a reminder for myself now that I am starting to come out of the depression. I want to enjoy life more. I want to travel, even if that means drastically cutting expenses in other ways. I want to definitely make an effort to go to Nocturna more.
Even though it ends up costing me $100-125, it really is like a mini vacation with getting the hotel room and just having time to be alone and sleep in. The last time I went, the good vibes stayed with me for several weeks. Sometimes, it's worth it to spend the money. Quit feeling so guilty for wanting to enjoy life rather than just existing. We may not be entitled to anything, the world doesn't owe me anything. I realize that. However, I have free will and can choose to enjoy my time here, rather than work myself to death and spend my time feeling like crap, or denying myself pleasure because of this idea that if you are "poor" then you don't ever need to have fun, and should feel guilty for wanting to relax, rest, or take care of yourself.
Just be yourself and quit the comparison bullshit.
Something else Gomez and I have been talking about. I see so many people my age that either have bland, boring, or lame personalities because they've given up on life, or they "sold out" in order to marry up or whatthefuckever. I saw myself going down a similar road about a year and a half ago. Thankfully I snapped out of it last year.
I see some people my age and I'm shocked because they seem so much older in terms of appearance and attitude.
Then there are the other ones, the ones that make me feel bad when I start comparing my life to theirs. They have homes, nice cars, and vacations and stock market options.
Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to feel more secure about my future, and I need to be better about managing my money once I get a full time job. However, I have always placed more value or enjoyment and relaxation than status or owning big ticket items.
Stepping into authenticity is hard when you have constantly been made to feel like shit for being yourself.
I simply don't care anymore. If it means I'm never going to get married, or will never get a high paying job, so be it. I think I'm finally, actually ok with who I am as a person and what I have to offer. It's pretty nice feeling to be honest.
In 2017, my sacred word of the year was Love. My process was to narrow it down to 3 words, and let the card do their magick. At the time, I truly thought 2017 was going to be the year that I found someone.
It ended up being so much more than that. Finding a love relationship would have been nice (we are social creatures and there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a partnership) and I still want that in my life. However, I found love in other ways that were probably more important for me to experience at the time.
Learning to love myself and stick up for myself when so-called friends treated me badly. Loving myself by seeking therapy and sticking with it, even though it was very hard for me to be that vulnerable with someone. Loving myself by eating better and working out. Loving myself by making my spiritual path a priority.
Coming back to things I love, which had a lot to do while DM releasing the album and going on tour. So many memories of my life surround that band and their music, the experiences I've had traveling with friends and meeting new people at shows/parties. The countless times Martin's words have expressed my innermost feelings. The countless times I have turned to Dave's voice as a balm for the soul.
They aren't just my favorite band, they are a part of my life story.
Anyway, coming back to that Fool energy....
Yeah ok fine. We can't ever go back to being innocent, naïve, or completely trusting that our dreams are always going to work out.
However, I think the experiences of the past few years have given me a greater appreciation of joy and adventure. I think I can have more of that positive Fool energy now than before, because I realize that our time is short and even when you think you have something set in stone or you have a future planned, things always change. However, I don't sit around waiting for the other she to drop, either. Maybe part of it is not being as attached to certain outcomes or needed validation from people, I don't know *shrugs*
I'd still like to find someone to share my life with, I'd still like to get married and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, now that I've made it through to the other side of 35, I realize that it's a definite possibility that it might not happen. I guess I've accepted it and realized that I am still worth something. I still have to create a future for myself, and friendships and adventures. I can't sit around forever, waiting for someone to go on trips with.
I still want to have those experiences, even if that means going alone. So in 2018 I plan on knocking some things off my bucket list.
Most years, I do a 12 month reading to get a handle on the possible energies and events. for 2018, I decided not to.
One of my favorite stories of the tarot is when the Fool meets the Magician. He has no idea what adventures or challenges lie in store. The Magician is there to show him that the power lies within, and the seeds of creation begin with our thoughts. He's there to let you know that whatever comes along, you can handle it. Confidence, skill, the willingness to always learn and improve. the seeds of magick are within you.
Through him the Fool learns his first lesson in magick.
"as above, so below"...
He's also a reminder that things are never what they seem, trickster energy and all ;)
This is one of my favorite decks, Tarot of the Hidden Realm, because the artist portrays fae energy in a way that feels real to me.
And of course, you can't go wrong with a nod to the traditional portrayal of the Magician. I love the expression on his face here.
So, I don't want to know; no 12 month reading for me this time around.
I think I'd rather focus on myself, what I can control, what I want to create in my world around me. After everything I've been through, I have a fresh perspective and am ready to start creating the new chapter of my life.
Word of the year is Power.
Card of the year is the Magician.
Last year, I was so determined that 2017 was going to be *my year*.
Yes, there were some amazing things (going to see Depeche Mode 4th row, getting the job at the hospital, etc) but the depression that I dealt with was probably the worst since 2013 and the phone call incident.
I think some things change you permanently; you can't ever go back to being the person you were before. Gomez was saying this the other night and I totally agree. However, it's not necessarily a bad thing, and I try not to think of it as a loss of innocence, faith, or whatever. Of course, as in most situations, perspective is everything.
What did I learn from dealing with two bouts of severe depression in my mid 30s?
I guess that's more important to carry with me, rather than feeling bitter about the past or events that set off the depression itself.
The days are long, but the years are short.
Do more of what makes you happy, gives you peace and inspiration.
I realize this is complicated because when you are depressed you lose interest in those things. Sometimes, just forcing yourself to "go through the motions" can help you get there.
I guess this is really more of a reminder for myself now that I am starting to come out of the depression. I want to enjoy life more. I want to travel, even if that means drastically cutting expenses in other ways. I want to definitely make an effort to go to Nocturna more.
Even though it ends up costing me $100-125, it really is like a mini vacation with getting the hotel room and just having time to be alone and sleep in. The last time I went, the good vibes stayed with me for several weeks. Sometimes, it's worth it to spend the money. Quit feeling so guilty for wanting to enjoy life rather than just existing. We may not be entitled to anything, the world doesn't owe me anything. I realize that. However, I have free will and can choose to enjoy my time here, rather than work myself to death and spend my time feeling like crap, or denying myself pleasure because of this idea that if you are "poor" then you don't ever need to have fun, and should feel guilty for wanting to relax, rest, or take care of yourself.
Just be yourself and quit the comparison bullshit.
Something else Gomez and I have been talking about. I see so many people my age that either have bland, boring, or lame personalities because they've given up on life, or they "sold out" in order to marry up or whatthefuckever. I saw myself going down a similar road about a year and a half ago. Thankfully I snapped out of it last year.
I see some people my age and I'm shocked because they seem so much older in terms of appearance and attitude.
Then there are the other ones, the ones that make me feel bad when I start comparing my life to theirs. They have homes, nice cars, and vacations and stock market options.
Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to feel more secure about my future, and I need to be better about managing my money once I get a full time job. However, I have always placed more value or enjoyment and relaxation than status or owning big ticket items.
Stepping into authenticity is hard when you have constantly been made to feel like shit for being yourself.
I simply don't care anymore. If it means I'm never going to get married, or will never get a high paying job, so be it. I think I'm finally, actually ok with who I am as a person and what I have to offer. It's pretty nice feeling to be honest.
In 2017, my sacred word of the year was Love. My process was to narrow it down to 3 words, and let the card do their magick. At the time, I truly thought 2017 was going to be the year that I found someone.
It ended up being so much more than that. Finding a love relationship would have been nice (we are social creatures and there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a partnership) and I still want that in my life. However, I found love in other ways that were probably more important for me to experience at the time.
Learning to love myself and stick up for myself when so-called friends treated me badly. Loving myself by seeking therapy and sticking with it, even though it was very hard for me to be that vulnerable with someone. Loving myself by eating better and working out. Loving myself by making my spiritual path a priority.
Coming back to things I love, which had a lot to do while DM releasing the album and going on tour. So many memories of my life surround that band and their music, the experiences I've had traveling with friends and meeting new people at shows/parties. The countless times Martin's words have expressed my innermost feelings. The countless times I have turned to Dave's voice as a balm for the soul.
They aren't just my favorite band, they are a part of my life story.
Anyway, coming back to that Fool energy....
Yeah ok fine. We can't ever go back to being innocent, naïve, or completely trusting that our dreams are always going to work out.
However, I think the experiences of the past few years have given me a greater appreciation of joy and adventure. I think I can have more of that positive Fool energy now than before, because I realize that our time is short and even when you think you have something set in stone or you have a future planned, things always change. However, I don't sit around waiting for the other she to drop, either. Maybe part of it is not being as attached to certain outcomes or needed validation from people, I don't know *shrugs*
I'd still like to find someone to share my life with, I'd still like to get married and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, now that I've made it through to the other side of 35, I realize that it's a definite possibility that it might not happen. I guess I've accepted it and realized that I am still worth something. I still have to create a future for myself, and friendships and adventures. I can't sit around forever, waiting for someone to go on trips with.
I still want to have those experiences, even if that means going alone. So in 2018 I plan on knocking some things off my bucket list.
Most years, I do a 12 month reading to get a handle on the possible energies and events. for 2018, I decided not to.
One of my favorite stories of the tarot is when the Fool meets the Magician. He has no idea what adventures or challenges lie in store. The Magician is there to show him that the power lies within, and the seeds of creation begin with our thoughts. He's there to let you know that whatever comes along, you can handle it. Confidence, skill, the willingness to always learn and improve. the seeds of magick are within you.
Through him the Fool learns his first lesson in magick.
"as above, so below"...
He's also a reminder that things are never what they seem, trickster energy and all ;)
This is one of my favorite decks, Tarot of the Hidden Realm, because the artist portrays fae energy in a way that feels real to me.
And of course, you can't go wrong with a nod to the traditional portrayal of the Magician. I love the expression on his face here.
So, I don't want to know; no 12 month reading for me this time around.
I think I'd rather focus on myself, what I can control, what I want to create in my world around me. After everything I've been through, I have a fresh perspective and am ready to start creating the new chapter of my life.
Word of the year is Power.
Card of the year is the Magician.