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I see the people around me; their lives are expanding. kids, vacations, new homes. New experiences. they are touched by life in some way...markers and rituals of their existence, celebrations.
the birth of a child. a wedding date. a job promotion.
We are all aging, they just have something to show for it.
Being sick and bed ridden for the past four days has really got me thinking about my life and the decisions I've made.
Here I am, 37 years old, alone living in my younger sisters house. Instead of having a caring husband who gets me orange juice and soup, I get told "you better not get us sick!"
At this point, my family thinks I'm a joke Well, they've always picked on me but now it's basically just disrespect on a constant basis. I have to move out of here, but I don't have the money right now.
Didn't go to school today because I still can't breathe. Oh, did I mention that because of my crippling depression last semester, I failed and my finical aid is suspended?
I am supposed to file an appeal by January 12th but, even with my therapist's support, there's no guarantee they will approve it. And in the meantime, I don't have the money for books So yeah...I think I just need to take a break from school and concentrate on work.
I need time to take care of my health. I've had the damn medical card for 4 months and don't even know what doctors or dentists I can use.
I need my wisdom teeth pulled. I need new glasses. I need to be back on my thyroid medication. Between school work, and babysitting Hannah, I literally never had a day off.
Just the idea of going through that again for another semester seems overwhelming to me.
Am I self-sabtoging? Maybe, but I also know that I'm not a robot and I need time for self care and *gasp* fun.
Oh wait, remember when you are poor you are not allowed to ever enjoy life. heaven forbid you occasionally see a movie or get a haircut that isn't $12 at Supercuts.
I will not give up my walks to the coffee shop once or twice a week. It keeps me sane, and is well worth the $10 a week.
$40 a month is not going to solve my $$ problems. Shit, that comes out to $480 in a year, not even enough to cover rent for a month.
Tired of everything I do being criticized or questioned. But I get it, they didn't want me to be here that long. I know my time is coming up soon and that's why I need to start making some decisions.
I cant keep living like this.
The other night, I finally admitted the truth to Gomez. I'm scared of moving out and being alone again. The last time I tried it, it didn't go so well.
When I was in my 20s, I lived all alone for 2 years. Never had a boyfriend or anything. Friends said that I was so happy then.
Maybe I was, but that was 10 years ago, when all I wanted was to be alone after years of bad or abusive relationships.
Now, the idea of living alone just makes me depressed. AS much as I am an introvert, I realize we are social creatures and in the end, we come to rely on one another.
I see myself moving toward some sort of co-op/community situation. I have no desire to live alone. I'm tired of being isolated.
the birth of a child. a wedding date. a job promotion.
We are all aging, they just have something to show for it.
Being sick and bed ridden for the past four days has really got me thinking about my life and the decisions I've made.
Here I am, 37 years old, alone living in my younger sisters house. Instead of having a caring husband who gets me orange juice and soup, I get told "you better not get us sick!"
At this point, my family thinks I'm a joke Well, they've always picked on me but now it's basically just disrespect on a constant basis. I have to move out of here, but I don't have the money right now.
Didn't go to school today because I still can't breathe. Oh, did I mention that because of my crippling depression last semester, I failed and my finical aid is suspended?
I am supposed to file an appeal by January 12th but, even with my therapist's support, there's no guarantee they will approve it. And in the meantime, I don't have the money for books So yeah...I think I just need to take a break from school and concentrate on work.
I need time to take care of my health. I've had the damn medical card for 4 months and don't even know what doctors or dentists I can use.
I need my wisdom teeth pulled. I need new glasses. I need to be back on my thyroid medication. Between school work, and babysitting Hannah, I literally never had a day off.
Just the idea of going through that again for another semester seems overwhelming to me.
Am I self-sabtoging? Maybe, but I also know that I'm not a robot and I need time for self care and *gasp* fun.
Oh wait, remember when you are poor you are not allowed to ever enjoy life. heaven forbid you occasionally see a movie or get a haircut that isn't $12 at Supercuts.
I will not give up my walks to the coffee shop once or twice a week. It keeps me sane, and is well worth the $10 a week.
$40 a month is not going to solve my $$ problems. Shit, that comes out to $480 in a year, not even enough to cover rent for a month.
Tired of everything I do being criticized or questioned. But I get it, they didn't want me to be here that long. I know my time is coming up soon and that's why I need to start making some decisions.
I cant keep living like this.
The other night, I finally admitted the truth to Gomez. I'm scared of moving out and being alone again. The last time I tried it, it didn't go so well.
When I was in my 20s, I lived all alone for 2 years. Never had a boyfriend or anything. Friends said that I was so happy then.
Maybe I was, but that was 10 years ago, when all I wanted was to be alone after years of bad or abusive relationships.
Now, the idea of living alone just makes me depressed. AS much as I am an introvert, I realize we are social creatures and in the end, we come to rely on one another.
I see myself moving toward some sort of co-op/community situation. I have no desire to live alone. I'm tired of being isolated.