![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I've never been one to avoid rabbit holes
Dec. 15th, 2017 07:49 am*sigh*
Why do I do this to myself?
I realize I am a naturally curious person, but somehow it always veers into masochist territory.
And social media makes it so fucking easy.
Gomez posted pics on IG from the Gary Numan show the other day. This girl comments about how he is so cute or something an naturally I click on her LOL
Umm, okay. She can't be more than 23, first of all. And apparently they actually have spent time together IRL at the Ren Faire. they looked quite, uh, cozy with each other in the photos
One of her latest uploads is a pic about selling nudes and net neutrality (I didn't read the whole thing)and he makes some flirty comment about snail mail or something.
Not my boyfriend, so I wasn't mad but it was kind of a wake up call.
I'm 37. I workout almost everyday, I take exceptionally good care of my skin (to the extend that my budget allows), and I don't dress like a frump like the majority of women my age.
However, I am no pretty young thing.
Nearly every pic of this girl is her in a corset, or some sort of bondage gear half naked, etc. And in the pics where she isn't half naked, she looks perfectly adorable in a messy bun and no makeup.
As a grown ass woman on a college campus, I have to say that is what kills me when I look around and realize I'm getting old.
It's not the girls that dress provocatively (never been my style), or are really good at makeup and hair, it's the girls who still look perfectly cute in leggings, an oversized sweater and a messy bun with no/minimal makeup.
When I walk around like that, I look like a fucking homeless person LOL
Anyway, back to my damn rabbit hole...
I was already somewhat paranoid about the possibility of getting involved with someone younger than me; he's only 33.
IF that is what he likes, he should go for it or something similar.
There is no way, even on my best day, that I will ever look like that.
Gomez is a sweetheart, he is adorable, and we have so much in common, in terms of interests and personality. We actually have more in common that I ever experienced with anyone else, which makes me really happy and sad at the same time, because I think I just need to let this one go.
I fear that I will constantly feel paranoid about getting older if we somehow ever ended up dating.
Realistically, I know that we all find multiple people attractive, even if we love our partner. Men are biologically programmed to be attracted to signs of youth and fertility (long hair, small waist, etc). I get it all, rationally.
Emotionally, however, it just doesn't compute.
I guess it was different back in the day because there were more barriers in interactions with people. 30 something men weren't on IG or snap, following 20 year olds who post sexy selfies on the daily. The world has changed so much now. Even if you are a couple, do you even have the right to not want your bf/gf on those sites or interacting with certain people?
Ugh, who even knows what cheating is anymore. I don't really like the idea of a potential partner seeing scantily clad women on a daily fucking basis, but again, that is considered normal now. We can't go back in time.
In my freakout moment, I disabled my IG. Hopefully he doesn't ask why.
I know eventually he's going to bring up our plans for next month, and finding the right way to tell him about my concerns will be challenging.
Then there is the situation itself, aside from this latest development.
I know realistically there are only two possible outcomes here.
One, we have our weekend together and then I will spend everyday afterwards wishing that he could be here. We eventually drift apart, because of logistics. Then I will feel even more depressed and used (even though that is totally not the situation or how he treats me) because it's virtually impossible for me to be intimate with someone without getting somewhat attached to them. I know this about myself, so why am I even going there? uggghhh
Two, it becomes a long distance relationship and we eventually drift apart because of logistics/travel expenses to KY or Nashville.
More time wasted, I will be even older and still single.
We've discussed how we are scared to get attached and that we feel like we have to protect ourselves. I know this is going to upset him. I just can't do this. I don't ever again want to feel like someone is only with me because they couldn't get what they really wanted, or I was simply there/convenient. Been there, done that. Never again.
Why do I do this to myself?
I realize I am a naturally curious person, but somehow it always veers into masochist territory.
And social media makes it so fucking easy.
Gomez posted pics on IG from the Gary Numan show the other day. This girl comments about how he is so cute or something an naturally I click on her LOL
Umm, okay. She can't be more than 23, first of all. And apparently they actually have spent time together IRL at the Ren Faire. they looked quite, uh, cozy with each other in the photos
One of her latest uploads is a pic about selling nudes and net neutrality (I didn't read the whole thing)and he makes some flirty comment about snail mail or something.
Not my boyfriend, so I wasn't mad but it was kind of a wake up call.
I'm 37. I workout almost everyday, I take exceptionally good care of my skin (to the extend that my budget allows), and I don't dress like a frump like the majority of women my age.
However, I am no pretty young thing.
Nearly every pic of this girl is her in a corset, or some sort of bondage gear half naked, etc. And in the pics where she isn't half naked, she looks perfectly adorable in a messy bun and no makeup.
As a grown ass woman on a college campus, I have to say that is what kills me when I look around and realize I'm getting old.
It's not the girls that dress provocatively (never been my style), or are really good at makeup and hair, it's the girls who still look perfectly cute in leggings, an oversized sweater and a messy bun with no/minimal makeup.
When I walk around like that, I look like a fucking homeless person LOL
Anyway, back to my damn rabbit hole...
I was already somewhat paranoid about the possibility of getting involved with someone younger than me; he's only 33.
IF that is what he likes, he should go for it or something similar.
There is no way, even on my best day, that I will ever look like that.
Gomez is a sweetheart, he is adorable, and we have so much in common, in terms of interests and personality. We actually have more in common that I ever experienced with anyone else, which makes me really happy and sad at the same time, because I think I just need to let this one go.
I fear that I will constantly feel paranoid about getting older if we somehow ever ended up dating.
Realistically, I know that we all find multiple people attractive, even if we love our partner. Men are biologically programmed to be attracted to signs of youth and fertility (long hair, small waist, etc). I get it all, rationally.
Emotionally, however, it just doesn't compute.
I guess it was different back in the day because there were more barriers in interactions with people. 30 something men weren't on IG or snap, following 20 year olds who post sexy selfies on the daily. The world has changed so much now. Even if you are a couple, do you even have the right to not want your bf/gf on those sites or interacting with certain people?
Ugh, who even knows what cheating is anymore. I don't really like the idea of a potential partner seeing scantily clad women on a daily fucking basis, but again, that is considered normal now. We can't go back in time.
In my freakout moment, I disabled my IG. Hopefully he doesn't ask why.
I know eventually he's going to bring up our plans for next month, and finding the right way to tell him about my concerns will be challenging.
Then there is the situation itself, aside from this latest development.
I know realistically there are only two possible outcomes here.
One, we have our weekend together and then I will spend everyday afterwards wishing that he could be here. We eventually drift apart, because of logistics. Then I will feel even more depressed and used (even though that is totally not the situation or how he treats me) because it's virtually impossible for me to be intimate with someone without getting somewhat attached to them. I know this about myself, so why am I even going there? uggghhh
Two, it becomes a long distance relationship and we eventually drift apart because of logistics/travel expenses to KY or Nashville.
More time wasted, I will be even older and still single.
We've discussed how we are scared to get attached and that we feel like we have to protect ourselves. I know this is going to upset him. I just can't do this. I don't ever again want to feel like someone is only with me because they couldn't get what they really wanted, or I was simply there/convenient. Been there, done that. Never again.