"the seasons took all they had come for.."

 

an average day, cleaning the kitchen with a playlist going. some old futurepop song that you've danced to dozens of times in shadowy clubs now stops you dead in your tracks. these lyrics carry weight now. 

I don't want to say I feel old, because that's not necessarily true. 
maybe you just get to a point where you see through things,
know the end before it even begins. 
the highs and lows that carried you in your youth were felt with such intensity
for better or worse
and now you feel more like the sage, the crone,
an observer of things and a keeper of wisdom 
not that I'm a crone just yet but...
I feel the stillness of inner peace.
And perhaps the treat of a grey future of solitude
#hagof1000cats 


Josh turned 30 this week. he has been feeling sad.
for me, 30 seems so long ago. 
A totally different me
I keep telling him he has so much time and is still young. 
Got him enrolled in community college and he is finishing his Associate's in a month, so that's a step.
I know he has bigger dreams and hopes for his life. He is definitely an idealist and a romantic
It hurts to see someone like that have such low self-esteem because I've been there
He still has time to really create a career for himself, to marry someone and build a lifetime of memories together. 
Have kids if he wants.
Quit being so afraid of life, take chances or you'll miss out
but I don't say that because I have learned from experience most people don't want advice, they want a sympathetic ear. 

He'll figure it out, eventually. 

I can't help but imagine what I could have done when I was young
If I would have had proper care and therapy 
At this point, I'm not bitter about the abuse from men that I endured 
It just hurts to think that certain things I once wished for have faded
and I haven't yet found any other dreams to replace them with