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Aug. 5th, 2021 08:48 amYesterday, I had a conversation with my friend who I'm pretty sure has serious food issues.
She asked me how my diet was going. I said "its not".
She seemed startled, and I know her concern is the fact that we will be representing a healthy food brand soon. But the truth is, when I actually started asking myself why was I doing this, there was no answer that made the constant counting of carbs and calories, working out even though I have hip pain, going 16 hours without eating, etc worth it. Why?
The truth is: being skinny never got me anything from men, never got me a promotion or anything substantial that was worth a damn. Yes, they might have been attracted to me but so what? Their desire usually meant harassment, or only doing things for me because they expected sex in return. I'm not married, none of them ever did anything for me that I couldn't have eventually done on my own so what purpose did it serve? Sure, if you are a model or sex worker, then I can see how it would benefit you but I was never pretty enough to be a model in the first place so that wasn't even a concern for me.
And let's be real, when someone marries you at a small size, they never expect you to gain weight. Men that get women pregnant then turn around a bitch if she doesn't go back to the same size as before. Yeah it can happen, but that's not normal unless you have the childcare available to workout every day, which most women don't have access to. It's a trap.
You get accused of "letting yourself go" because you weigh more at 50 than you did at 25. And yet, they are bald with Hank Hill asses and beer bellies, criticizing our bodies?! Fuck off.
Damian used to do that shit to me all the time yet I never once saw him work out. At least I tried! Hahaha...saw a news clip of him from a few years ago he blew up big time. I'm sure his mail order bride loves it LOL
Pretty privilege exists, and maybe in some instances when I was very young, I benefitted from it a little bit, but most of the time I was not considered the cutest girl in the room. "You would be hot if..." heard that so many time in my life as a young woman.
At some point, I realized that even if I "looked better", once you experience the truly nasty, shallow side of people it doesn't EVER leave you. You know that in an instant, your looks could be gone (say, car accident) and you will end up right where you were before the boob job or weight loss. Men that ignored me or rejected me actually tried to ask me out after I had my eye surgery. Like...why would you even think I would say yes to this??
Maybe that is one thing I am grateful for as I enter mid-life-I'm not exactly going to mourn my beauty or suddenly feel invisible to men, they way a lot of former hot girls feel when they realize they are croning.
The truth was, most of the time they ended up rejecting me in the end. Even was I was at my absolute thinnest (95 lbs) I still had boobs, and men would constantly stare at my figure,. Yay, male validation that served no purpose in my life because for one reason or another I was never good enough once they looked closer.
So yeah...told her I didn't want to talk about food anymore. It isn't as if I'm going to stop exercising or start drinking soda everyday. I limit my dairy, gluten and sugar to a point only because my hip pain flares up. We go out to eat once a week and if I want a cheeseburger or chicken parmesan I'm not going to feel bad about it. I still try to work out daily, even if it is only walking for an hour or lifting weights for 20 mins.
However, I refuse to eat 800 calories a day or obsessively count net carbs to go into ketosis.
Tried it for 3 days last week and finally realized this was damaging my mental health.
When I did keto in 2018 and got to 115 pounds, it was not sustainable. I might have looked great, but my hair was falling out constantly and I would make excuses not to attend certain events because of the food that would be there. During the holidays, work would have food catered and I remember scheduling my breaks before the food came so I wouldn't be tempted. Spent thanksgiving day alone and ate a healthy choice bowl because I didn't want to go over the 20 net carbs with stuffing and potatoes and everything else on the holiday menu. Not a normal way to live and I refuse to do it again.
Yes, it is practically guaranteed that you will drop weight fast if you stay under 20 net carbs but then your mind can't escape food-avoiding it, measuring it, etc. I give up.
My friend though, I know she wants us look good when we start work but she has some seriously unrealistic expectations of how much weight we can lose by the expected date. Yes, most people gained weight over Covid. Yeah it isn't healthy and I take responsibility for getting lazy and depressed but at the same time, it was a fucking pandemic. Can we cut ourselves some slack? Just a little compassion?
Watched her do this yo-you diet stuff for years and I feel like it is getting worse. At this point, I know that nothing I say will matter. She's even got her oldest son using the calorie counter app to "drop the weight" before middle school starts next month :/
She asked me how my diet was going. I said "its not".
She seemed startled, and I know her concern is the fact that we will be representing a healthy food brand soon. But the truth is, when I actually started asking myself why was I doing this, there was no answer that made the constant counting of carbs and calories, working out even though I have hip pain, going 16 hours without eating, etc worth it. Why?
The truth is: being skinny never got me anything from men, never got me a promotion or anything substantial that was worth a damn. Yes, they might have been attracted to me but so what? Their desire usually meant harassment, or only doing things for me because they expected sex in return. I'm not married, none of them ever did anything for me that I couldn't have eventually done on my own so what purpose did it serve? Sure, if you are a model or sex worker, then I can see how it would benefit you but I was never pretty enough to be a model in the first place so that wasn't even a concern for me.
And let's be real, when someone marries you at a small size, they never expect you to gain weight. Men that get women pregnant then turn around a bitch if she doesn't go back to the same size as before. Yeah it can happen, but that's not normal unless you have the childcare available to workout every day, which most women don't have access to. It's a trap.
You get accused of "letting yourself go" because you weigh more at 50 than you did at 25. And yet, they are bald with Hank Hill asses and beer bellies, criticizing our bodies?! Fuck off.
Damian used to do that shit to me all the time yet I never once saw him work out. At least I tried! Hahaha...saw a news clip of him from a few years ago he blew up big time. I'm sure his mail order bride loves it LOL
Pretty privilege exists, and maybe in some instances when I was very young, I benefitted from it a little bit, but most of the time I was not considered the cutest girl in the room. "You would be hot if..." heard that so many time in my life as a young woman.
At some point, I realized that even if I "looked better", once you experience the truly nasty, shallow side of people it doesn't EVER leave you. You know that in an instant, your looks could be gone (say, car accident) and you will end up right where you were before the boob job or weight loss. Men that ignored me or rejected me actually tried to ask me out after I had my eye surgery. Like...why would you even think I would say yes to this??
Maybe that is one thing I am grateful for as I enter mid-life-I'm not exactly going to mourn my beauty or suddenly feel invisible to men, they way a lot of former hot girls feel when they realize they are croning.
The truth was, most of the time they ended up rejecting me in the end. Even was I was at my absolute thinnest (95 lbs) I still had boobs, and men would constantly stare at my figure,. Yay, male validation that served no purpose in my life because for one reason or another I was never good enough once they looked closer.
So yeah...told her I didn't want to talk about food anymore. It isn't as if I'm going to stop exercising or start drinking soda everyday. I limit my dairy, gluten and sugar to a point only because my hip pain flares up. We go out to eat once a week and if I want a cheeseburger or chicken parmesan I'm not going to feel bad about it. I still try to work out daily, even if it is only walking for an hour or lifting weights for 20 mins.
However, I refuse to eat 800 calories a day or obsessively count net carbs to go into ketosis.
Tried it for 3 days last week and finally realized this was damaging my mental health.
When I did keto in 2018 and got to 115 pounds, it was not sustainable. I might have looked great, but my hair was falling out constantly and I would make excuses not to attend certain events because of the food that would be there. During the holidays, work would have food catered and I remember scheduling my breaks before the food came so I wouldn't be tempted. Spent thanksgiving day alone and ate a healthy choice bowl because I didn't want to go over the 20 net carbs with stuffing and potatoes and everything else on the holiday menu. Not a normal way to live and I refuse to do it again.
Yes, it is practically guaranteed that you will drop weight fast if you stay under 20 net carbs but then your mind can't escape food-avoiding it, measuring it, etc. I give up.
My friend though, I know she wants us look good when we start work but she has some seriously unrealistic expectations of how much weight we can lose by the expected date. Yes, most people gained weight over Covid. Yeah it isn't healthy and I take responsibility for getting lazy and depressed but at the same time, it was a fucking pandemic. Can we cut ourselves some slack? Just a little compassion?
Watched her do this yo-you diet stuff for years and I feel like it is getting worse. At this point, I know that nothing I say will matter. She's even got her oldest son using the calorie counter app to "drop the weight" before middle school starts next month :/