![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
A few little things happened yesterday that made me feel sort of...light? Not sure how to explain it.
So, on my birthday I bought a new planner because I fell off track and was feeling overwhelmed and uninspired. I figured the most logical thing to do is to start my personal year on my birthday.
Anyway, the planner is great as far as content; it's half journal and half practical time management. However, the cover is all white and yeah. Not gonna work for me. I saw that someone had painted theirs all different shades of purple with alcohol ink. After watching some youtube videos, it looked super easy and fun so I tried it for the first time yesterday. It was nice to try something new without feeling like I had to have any sorta of skill, because most painting/drawing shit is definitely not in my wheelhouse LOL
Once it is completely dry,I might try to post a picture here. It definitely looks like a newb project, but at least my planner isn't white anymore :D
So, I feel a few new age/witchy/self-type types of people online. Yesterday, one of them posted about an experience she had with money as a child that changed her, but she didn't realize it until a few years ago. Many people joined in the conversation, sharing their stories and I decided to share the story about how my stepmom stole my money and closed my bank account the day before my 18th birthday.
Of course, I've told this tale to my friends, and they expressed anger or sympathy. But neither of my parents have actually acknowledged that what she did was wrong. My dad really had nothing to do with the account, but he should have told her to give me the money back. He has always maintained that he has no idea what she did with the money, but still. I shield him from blame but the fact is that he of allowed a lot of the shit to go on, and he was obviously abusive in his own ways
To this day, she has never owned up to what she did
Now, the money in that account was probably maybe only 1500. Not a huge amount but definitely enough to put down a deposit on an apartment or car payment. Back in 1998, that would have been more than enough for a deposit and first month's rent, some basic supplies or whatnot. There are so many times in my young life that having that big chunk of money would have helped me get my own place, and get started building a life away from an abusive relationship.
Anyway, the author responded. She said it was a terrible betrayal of trust for a parent to do that to a child, and it must have been a heartbreaking experience as a young women to realize the money you earned and desperately needed was simply gone.
She acknowledged the feeling of powerlessness I felt because I had no legal recourse to get it back.
How I might have decided not to dream, not to work toward certain goals because of this first experience into adulthood that literally happened the day I became legally and financially responsible for myself. <--------this statement actually blew mind. I never thought about it in that much depth before, but yes. Totally makes sense.
That is the first time in my life that a mother, an adult older than me validated any of my feelings about this whole situation.
I have not been dramatic. I didn't deserve it. There was abuse that was directed specifically toward me. I am justified in cutting her out of my life.
This whole facebook thread actually helped me figure out how this event impacted me in ways that I was unconscious of.
The root of it is: I don't trust myself with money. Every time I get a big chunk of money saved up, I blow it.
When I paid off all my debt, what did it do? Take a wild guess :/
I blame Cindy, but I also blamed myself and never realized it until now.
Some might say I should have known not to trust her. My dad was physically abusive, but Cindy was vindictive and manipulative. What was I thinking?Then again, I was only 15 at the time when the account was opened and basically had to do whatever my parents told me or suffer more consequences.
Cindy, I am sorry you felt like stealing from me was something you needed to do.
Maybe you thought I owed you for all the trouble I was, maybe you felt justified because you thought I would spend it all on candy, CDs and makeup?? I don't know. All I know is that this memory does not serve me and I need to begin to trust myself when it comes to be financially independent.
I forgive you, because I suspect you were miserable and probably needed to feel some sort of revenge against me. I forgive you because I have been educated in mental illness and I understand your behavior on a deeper level now. During the course of my adolescence, you presented things as though I was the source of the all family problems.
Hopefully now, after the divorce and everything that has happened, you realize the truth and have the peace and enjoyment you so desperately needed back then.
So, on my birthday I bought a new planner because I fell off track and was feeling overwhelmed and uninspired. I figured the most logical thing to do is to start my personal year on my birthday.
Anyway, the planner is great as far as content; it's half journal and half practical time management. However, the cover is all white and yeah. Not gonna work for me. I saw that someone had painted theirs all different shades of purple with alcohol ink. After watching some youtube videos, it looked super easy and fun so I tried it for the first time yesterday. It was nice to try something new without feeling like I had to have any sorta of skill, because most painting/drawing shit is definitely not in my wheelhouse LOL
Once it is completely dry,I might try to post a picture here. It definitely looks like a newb project, but at least my planner isn't white anymore :D
So, I feel a few new age/witchy/self-type types of people online. Yesterday, one of them posted about an experience she had with money as a child that changed her, but she didn't realize it until a few years ago. Many people joined in the conversation, sharing their stories and I decided to share the story about how my stepmom stole my money and closed my bank account the day before my 18th birthday.
Of course, I've told this tale to my friends, and they expressed anger or sympathy. But neither of my parents have actually acknowledged that what she did was wrong. My dad really had nothing to do with the account, but he should have told her to give me the money back. He has always maintained that he has no idea what she did with the money, but still. I shield him from blame but the fact is that he of allowed a lot of the shit to go on, and he was obviously abusive in his own ways
To this day, she has never owned up to what she did
Now, the money in that account was probably maybe only 1500. Not a huge amount but definitely enough to put down a deposit on an apartment or car payment. Back in 1998, that would have been more than enough for a deposit and first month's rent, some basic supplies or whatnot. There are so many times in my young life that having that big chunk of money would have helped me get my own place, and get started building a life away from an abusive relationship.
Anyway, the author responded. She said it was a terrible betrayal of trust for a parent to do that to a child, and it must have been a heartbreaking experience as a young women to realize the money you earned and desperately needed was simply gone.
She acknowledged the feeling of powerlessness I felt because I had no legal recourse to get it back.
How I might have decided not to dream, not to work toward certain goals because of this first experience into adulthood that literally happened the day I became legally and financially responsible for myself. <--------this statement actually blew mind. I never thought about it in that much depth before, but yes. Totally makes sense.
That is the first time in my life that a mother, an adult older than me validated any of my feelings about this whole situation.
I have not been dramatic. I didn't deserve it. There was abuse that was directed specifically toward me. I am justified in cutting her out of my life.
This whole facebook thread actually helped me figure out how this event impacted me in ways that I was unconscious of.
The root of it is: I don't trust myself with money. Every time I get a big chunk of money saved up, I blow it.
When I paid off all my debt, what did it do? Take a wild guess :/
I blame Cindy, but I also blamed myself and never realized it until now.
Some might say I should have known not to trust her. My dad was physically abusive, but Cindy was vindictive and manipulative. What was I thinking?Then again, I was only 15 at the time when the account was opened and basically had to do whatever my parents told me or suffer more consequences.
Cindy, I am sorry you felt like stealing from me was something you needed to do.
Maybe you thought I owed you for all the trouble I was, maybe you felt justified because you thought I would spend it all on candy, CDs and makeup?? I don't know. All I know is that this memory does not serve me and I need to begin to trust myself when it comes to be financially independent.
I forgive you, because I suspect you were miserable and probably needed to feel some sort of revenge against me. I forgive you because I have been educated in mental illness and I understand your behavior on a deeper level now. During the course of my adolescence, you presented things as though I was the source of the all family problems.
Hopefully now, after the divorce and everything that has happened, you realize the truth and have the peace and enjoyment you so desperately needed back then.