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on my mind...
May. 31st, 2019 05:43 amWork shit is really grating on my nerves lately. There's a particular person who is very immature and is constantly stirring up drama, or doing things to try to make me not be able to leave on time. Sorry, but the company gives me no benefits so I see no reason to stay after my scheduled hours, unless I want to. I just really value my personal time. I love being at home and can't wait to get the fuck out every day. Previously, I was always willing to take hours from people if they needed a last minute day off, or stay late but I'm pretty much over it. Been here 2 years, they are never gonna give me full time or any benefits so why bother putting in any effort beyond the basic?
Things are getting pretty toxic there; I wish I could quit but honestly, I would love to stay until the place (which I definitely see happening in the next year or so) then be eligible for at least 6 months of unemployment, to have time to look for a job that would be a better fit for me. Originally, when I started there it was only supposed to be 3 days a week. I never actually had time to look for a decent full time job because that's not how things worked out and plus, it is hard to schedule interviews when you work wonky retail hours.
On a more positive note, on Wednesday I bought a new pair of sneakers for work. A very expensive pair (in my opinion anyway) but after wearing them to work for an 8 hours shift and not having feet that were cramped and hurting, I had to admit that the $110 was a nice investment.
Self-care is a funny thing. No one teaches you how to do it, aside from the basic eat-sleep shelter. You are considered selfish or lazy for saying no or having boundaries, or irresponsible with money if you make a lower wage but want to spend $20 on art supplies to be creative and relieve stress For years, I would always buy the cheapest shoe possible (all my boots except for Docs came from thrifting/discount sites) and it was really hard for me to fork over that much cash for shoes that I normally wouldn't wear outside of work very often.
It's strange how I felt so anxious about this expense, yet I am on my feet all the time at work and walking to/from work. It feels weird to say "my body deserves good shoes that help support my mobility" but it's true. To say anything else is basically saying I don't have a right to exist as a healthy being. Whether or not someone has the money to buy the item is up to that person's budgeting skill and income. If you are willing to work overtime, cut back on Netflix/Starbucks/grocery list whatever, then that's your choice.
Nobody has the right to say "you shouldn't be spending your money on X" if it is a matter of self-care that supports your mental/physical health. There were times in the past that sitting at Starbucks with a $5 latte and a notebook to write in saved my sanity when living at my sister's. they saw it as wasting money; I felt it was my only escape in wintertime to have some peace to gather my thoughts while I was depressed.
I'm finding the same issues coming up with creativity. My best friend said the same thing about being a low maintenance girl (not buying new clothes or makeup or mani/pedis etc). She basically convinced herself that those things were a waste of money, she wanted them and felt guilty asking for them when her and her husband had 3 kids and one income. In reality, there were plenty of little ways they could have cut back so she could have saved up for some makeup, the occasional pedicure or new summer dress and he probably would have been happy to do it for her.
My parents definitely didn't value anything that didn't result in a product or some sort of result that meant something, i.e., a freshly cut lawn. Although my stepmom did have a large sewing room and was very creative, the end goal was doing craft shows and making money on the side, OR it was a way to be cheaper and make clothes and repairs. Back then, I think fabric was a lot cheaper than it is now.??
Something like writing a poem, keeping a journal or scrapbook, or writing short stories like I did was perceived as a waste of time. In their eyes, nothing was gained from it but for me, it was therapeutic and fun. And who knows what could have happen in my adult life had I been allowed to pursue my natural talents and flourish instead of shutting down in response to their attitudes? The point is, it has taken be a hard time to accept that I AM a creative person, that I just have had a lot of damage surrounding that aspect of myself.
So, I have been try to relieve stress by doing more fun things such as my magickal scrapbook or coloring, cooking a new recipe or making bath and body products. Not everything turns out perfectly, but that's ok. I really enjoy the process, Funny how people will criticize someone for spending money on art supplies or books or wtfever, but spend their evenings sitting in front of a TV or are social media zombies, as if that is somehow better for you than buying a paintbrush or a sketchbook???
We all have different self-care needs and the older I get, the less guilty I feel about mine.
Things are getting pretty toxic there; I wish I could quit but honestly, I would love to stay until the place (which I definitely see happening in the next year or so) then be eligible for at least 6 months of unemployment, to have time to look for a job that would be a better fit for me. Originally, when I started there it was only supposed to be 3 days a week. I never actually had time to look for a decent full time job because that's not how things worked out and plus, it is hard to schedule interviews when you work wonky retail hours.
On a more positive note, on Wednesday I bought a new pair of sneakers for work. A very expensive pair (in my opinion anyway) but after wearing them to work for an 8 hours shift and not having feet that were cramped and hurting, I had to admit that the $110 was a nice investment.
Self-care is a funny thing. No one teaches you how to do it, aside from the basic eat-sleep shelter. You are considered selfish or lazy for saying no or having boundaries, or irresponsible with money if you make a lower wage but want to spend $20 on art supplies to be creative and relieve stress For years, I would always buy the cheapest shoe possible (all my boots except for Docs came from thrifting/discount sites) and it was really hard for me to fork over that much cash for shoes that I normally wouldn't wear outside of work very often.
It's strange how I felt so anxious about this expense, yet I am on my feet all the time at work and walking to/from work. It feels weird to say "my body deserves good shoes that help support my mobility" but it's true. To say anything else is basically saying I don't have a right to exist as a healthy being. Whether or not someone has the money to buy the item is up to that person's budgeting skill and income. If you are willing to work overtime, cut back on Netflix/Starbucks/grocery list whatever, then that's your choice.
Nobody has the right to say "you shouldn't be spending your money on X" if it is a matter of self-care that supports your mental/physical health. There were times in the past that sitting at Starbucks with a $5 latte and a notebook to write in saved my sanity when living at my sister's. they saw it as wasting money; I felt it was my only escape in wintertime to have some peace to gather my thoughts while I was depressed.
I'm finding the same issues coming up with creativity. My best friend said the same thing about being a low maintenance girl (not buying new clothes or makeup or mani/pedis etc). She basically convinced herself that those things were a waste of money, she wanted them and felt guilty asking for them when her and her husband had 3 kids and one income. In reality, there were plenty of little ways they could have cut back so she could have saved up for some makeup, the occasional pedicure or new summer dress and he probably would have been happy to do it for her.
My parents definitely didn't value anything that didn't result in a product or some sort of result that meant something, i.e., a freshly cut lawn. Although my stepmom did have a large sewing room and was very creative, the end goal was doing craft shows and making money on the side, OR it was a way to be cheaper and make clothes and repairs. Back then, I think fabric was a lot cheaper than it is now.??
Something like writing a poem, keeping a journal or scrapbook, or writing short stories like I did was perceived as a waste of time. In their eyes, nothing was gained from it but for me, it was therapeutic and fun. And who knows what could have happen in my adult life had I been allowed to pursue my natural talents and flourish instead of shutting down in response to their attitudes? The point is, it has taken be a hard time to accept that I AM a creative person, that I just have had a lot of damage surrounding that aspect of myself.
So, I have been try to relieve stress by doing more fun things such as my magickal scrapbook or coloring, cooking a new recipe or making bath and body products. Not everything turns out perfectly, but that's ok. I really enjoy the process, Funny how people will criticize someone for spending money on art supplies or books or wtfever, but spend their evenings sitting in front of a TV or are social media zombies, as if that is somehow better for you than buying a paintbrush or a sketchbook???
We all have different self-care needs and the older I get, the less guilty I feel about mine.